Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Born out of insomnia.
What follows is a slightly modified version of an email I just sent. I think it serves as a fine starting point for this blog.
It's 3:30 in the morning. About an hour and a half ago, I returned from a night out. We went to the "it-was-more-intriguing-when-I'd-never-been-there" Tumble Inn, the "we-thought-it-was-open-mic-night-but-the-place-was-actually-closed" Canopy Club, the "we-didn't-want-to-pay-a-cover-so-we-didn't-actually-go-in" Iron Post, Tod & John's (if you know where this bar is, then I'll be half impressed and half concerned for your well-being), and the "not-quite-as-lively-when-there's-no-karaoke" Office, where we closed out the night. We drank just enough to allow the conversation ramble a bit, and we covered a lot of interesting ground. Maybe because my mind is still racing, maybe because I slept in this morning, I can't get to sleep. So I write.
I feel like something inside of me shifted slightly as a result of the road trip (which built off a slight shift that occurred as a result of the relationship ups and downs I went through during the spring semester), and though things here in C-U aren't actually that different, I feel as if I'm seeing them from a different angle. I've got a new perspective. And from this perspective, it seems I'm better able to sift out what and who matters to me the most. This has brought me to a sense of contentment, and here's why:
--I am engaged in work that I find to be meaningful and that I think can have a positive impact on public education and perhaps beyond.
--I have found a select group of people who I am coming to love, people who are becoming dear friends, the sort that you know will stand by you through ups and downs, and who I'll always have a rapport with, regardless of how much time passes between our encounters.
--At least for now, I have stopped letting my mind spin its wheels over issues and questions that I ultimately can't resolve. I haven't been over-reflecting, over-analyzing, perseverating--I think seeing the diversity of lifestyles and the variety of problems that people face while on the trip has put my own lifestyle and problems into perspective. My life is one among many, and my problems are almost luxurious compared to those that others face.
--I have a strong network of friends and family around the country whom I can call on at any time.
--Finally, I have come to see that, while there will be times when I will have to make decisions about the course of my life, much of what impacts my life (other people, nature) is out of my direct control. So I can stop worrying about that which I can't control and focus instead on embracing the people and practices that give my life joy and meaning, and doing what I can to help others reach a position where they can find the joy and meaning in their own lives.
For some reason, all of this is clear to me now in a way it wasn't before the trip. I think that having two weeks away from familiar surroundings and (for the most part) familiar people made it easier to step back and see my life from above. I was able to break away from the sometimes mundane busy-ness that can consume the day-to-day, churning through the minutes and hours, and remind myself of what counts to me, while at the same time being able to place what counts to me alongside what counts to others, which keeps my life from seeming too grandiose and overwhelming. Like many others, I will do what I can to improve others' lives while enjoying the ride as I'm carried along with the current in the river of my own life.
I'm going to try to sleep now. Take care.
It's 3:30 in the morning. About an hour and a half ago, I returned from a night out. We went to the "it-was-more-intriguing-when-I'd-never-been-there" Tumble Inn, the "we-thought-it-was-open-mic-night-but-the-place-was-actually-closed" Canopy Club, the "we-didn't-want-to-pay-a-cover-so-we-didn't-actually-go-in" Iron Post, Tod & John's (if you know where this bar is, then I'll be half impressed and half concerned for your well-being), and the "not-quite-as-lively-when-there's-no-karaoke" Office, where we closed out the night. We drank just enough to allow the conversation ramble a bit, and we covered a lot of interesting ground. Maybe because my mind is still racing, maybe because I slept in this morning, I can't get to sleep. So I write.
I feel like something inside of me shifted slightly as a result of the road trip (which built off a slight shift that occurred as a result of the relationship ups and downs I went through during the spring semester), and though things here in C-U aren't actually that different, I feel as if I'm seeing them from a different angle. I've got a new perspective. And from this perspective, it seems I'm better able to sift out what and who matters to me the most. This has brought me to a sense of contentment, and here's why:
--I am engaged in work that I find to be meaningful and that I think can have a positive impact on public education and perhaps beyond.
--I have found a select group of people who I am coming to love, people who are becoming dear friends, the sort that you know will stand by you through ups and downs, and who I'll always have a rapport with, regardless of how much time passes between our encounters.
--At least for now, I have stopped letting my mind spin its wheels over issues and questions that I ultimately can't resolve. I haven't been over-reflecting, over-analyzing, perseverating--I think seeing the diversity of lifestyles and the variety of problems that people face while on the trip has put my own lifestyle and problems into perspective. My life is one among many, and my problems are almost luxurious compared to those that others face.
--I have a strong network of friends and family around the country whom I can call on at any time.
--Finally, I have come to see that, while there will be times when I will have to make decisions about the course of my life, much of what impacts my life (other people, nature) is out of my direct control. So I can stop worrying about that which I can't control and focus instead on embracing the people and practices that give my life joy and meaning, and doing what I can to help others reach a position where they can find the joy and meaning in their own lives.
For some reason, all of this is clear to me now in a way it wasn't before the trip. I think that having two weeks away from familiar surroundings and (for the most part) familiar people made it easier to step back and see my life from above. I was able to break away from the sometimes mundane busy-ness that can consume the day-to-day, churning through the minutes and hours, and remind myself of what counts to me, while at the same time being able to place what counts to me alongside what counts to others, which keeps my life from seeming too grandiose and overwhelming. Like many others, I will do what I can to improve others' lives while enjoying the ride as I'm carried along with the current in the river of my own life.
I'm going to try to sleep now. Take care.
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