He often felt that his life was full of excellent plans that he was never able to bring to fruition. It was as if he consistently knew what he had to do to be content, but didn't have the courage to do what it would take, because it would mean re-organizing his life in certain ways that he couldn't make himself embrace. It might have had something to do with the people in his life. He'd seemingly do anything, even if he wasn't particularly interested, if it meant he wouldn't have to be alone. If he liked somebody, that person could sway him with ease simply by stating his (or her) preference. He might not be deeply interested in doing X, but he'd do X if one of his friends wanted to. If he had multiple options, he'd choose based on who he liked more at the moment, and not necessarily on what he thought about the options or what might be best for him at the time. But what were his preferences? What did he deeply value? What did he want to do? At times, he would ask himself these questions, and he had a difficult time coming up with the answers.
Of course, the fact that he tended to be unobjectionable gave him a reputation as an easygoing individual. He was fairly well-liked, tended not to offend people...
He did seem to enjoy coversation. At least, this is what he would tell people: one of his favorite things to do, he'd say, was just to hang out, and talk. Go to a coffeeshop, a bar, and just talk. But what would he talk about, exactly? What would he say to his friends? Occasionally, there'd be what felt like a meaningful conversation, a sharing of ideas, of dreams, of hopes, of values. But sometimes he felt that he was just rambling to people about his ideas, dreams, hopes, and values, getting so excited about changing the world about making a difference but then...was it all talk? Did he ever actually do anything about it? He wondered, then, if conversations--if much of his life--was really just a way to pass the time, postponing a moment of action in favor of passionate but hollow talk.
But what was keeping him from doing what he really wanted to do? Was it a lack of clarity on what he wanted? Maybe. But he tended to think it was really a lack of focus, which bred a sort of laziness. Yes, that's it, he had to admit when it came right down to it: he was lazy and unfocused. And there's a lack of willpower somewhere in there, too, he knew. He just could not work up the motivation to do the kinds of things that he knew would make his life feel meaningful to himself. This may have been because of certain habits that were ingrained in him that were counter to his happiness. He had been able to coast along, to get by, on these habits for quite some time now. He'd even done better than coasting! But he felt the time coming when he would not be able to coast anymore. When this wouldn't work. True happiness would require focus and will, because he wouldn't be happy with the things that would ultimately come from just coasting.
He needed to feel like his life counted for something. He needed to be doing something with his life that mattered to him, generally. He needed to feel driven, and though he could feel driven in very short bursts, it often wasn't there.
Sometimes it didn't seem to matter so much. Other times it did. But he knew this: he did not want his life to feel like it was drifting by, with him watching the hours pass, without holding on to anything. He needed to live his life and not watch his life being lived.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
embrace
Light shining through the clouds, on my way back to what passes for normal. Going to see the doctor on Friday because I don't want to go through this again and I don't think I can help myself. Thanks, Liz, for the comments--everything you said is right on, but when I get in "those moods" I feel like I just can't help it. Like I don't have control over my own thoughts, moods, etc. But you're right: I do need to appreciate what I have, because I have quite a lot. And I need to embrace what I have and hold on tight rather than always reaching for things that aren't really there.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
cycle
Is this really what I want to be doing?
I am being dramatic. I think that's how it seems.
I would like to get on with life.
I feel, though, like I am coming apart.
Maybe it's too much to expect happiness from life--maybe I'm just blocking it, keeping it from happening.
I am tired of the ups and downs.
Some of the days are okay, some are not okay, but from the wide angle they all seem like drudgery. Just slogging through another day. And sometimes I can pretend like things count--I can really believe it--and sometimes I just can't. And sometimes I can really look forward to life, and sometimes I just can't. When I am in a good mood later, I will read this, and just think I'm whining (if you're in a good mood, I bet that's what it sounds like). Right now, I don't feel as if anyone could relate to me, but later, I won't even be able to relate to myself.
And I can just ride it out, which is what I do every god damn time, but I know that it will just happen again. I have a few good weeks, then I have a bad week or two, then I have a few good week--and this makes me feel like the good weeks are just the weeks I am delusional, and the bad weeks are when I see things for what they really are.
Here's the thing:
1. For me to be happy, I need to have my life be about something.
2. I don't believe in anything Higher or Ultimate, and so I believe that I have to choose for myself what my life is going to be about.
3. So I choose something (it's usually friends, relationships, sometimes it's work), and this works temporarily, but then I remember that I just arbitrarily chose it, and how can I make my life be about something arbitrary? There are other options! How do I know I'm choosing right?
4. I can no longer make my life about that thing, for a couple of weeks, and I feel empty, directionless, drifting. And then back to 1.
So I am afraid that the only way I will be happy is if I can stop myself from remembering that I just arbitrarily chose what my life will be about (if I can be delusional, basically) OR if I can somehow be okay with the fact that all we can do is choose, and there's no use being disappointed in that, because that's all there is. OR if I can somehow find something that works for me, that I can actually think is ultimate, and I can organize my life around that.
For some reason, I cannot just let this happen. I cannot just stop thinking. I don't think I will ever be able to. So you might want to say "Just get over it!" "Stop thinking about it!" "You think too much and make yourself crazy!" Well, yes, great, but it's not like I can help it, you know? I think this would be hard to understand for someone who hasn't felt this way before--that your thoughts are sort of out of your control. Where nearly every single moment becomes something to analyze, where you see every single moment from an outside perspective, and don't actually live in your own life very often. It's like a constant state of reflection. Sometimes when I am with other people, or singing to music in the car, or drunk, I can drown out the reflection, but this is always only temporary. It makes me tired. It makes me feel like an outsider in my own life. It makes me feel like I can't genuinely connect to anybody--they're not going to understand me and I can't give myself to them because i don't have any self to give. I can become infatuated with people, but I don't know if I can love them. How can you love someone if you're always wondering if your feelings are genuine, or what they mean, or what love is? I'm not so sure I can deeply feel anything (is this why I can't get delighted?) because I instantly distance myself from everything I feel and even when I am acting like I am feeling I am just sort of acting the way I know people are supposed to act when they feel certain ways. Sometimes I just want to sleep so that I can stop thinking.
I hate this. I really do. I do not feel like a real person. I do not know what to do. Am I always going to be like this, 1-2 weeks out of every month? Is there anything I can actually do to fix it?
I feel detached and selfish. I do not want to be who I am right now, if I even knew what that was.
I am being dramatic. I think that's how it seems.
I would like to get on with life.
I feel, though, like I am coming apart.
Maybe it's too much to expect happiness from life--maybe I'm just blocking it, keeping it from happening.
I am tired of the ups and downs.
Some of the days are okay, some are not okay, but from the wide angle they all seem like drudgery. Just slogging through another day. And sometimes I can pretend like things count--I can really believe it--and sometimes I just can't. And sometimes I can really look forward to life, and sometimes I just can't. When I am in a good mood later, I will read this, and just think I'm whining (if you're in a good mood, I bet that's what it sounds like). Right now, I don't feel as if anyone could relate to me, but later, I won't even be able to relate to myself.
And I can just ride it out, which is what I do every god damn time, but I know that it will just happen again. I have a few good weeks, then I have a bad week or two, then I have a few good week--and this makes me feel like the good weeks are just the weeks I am delusional, and the bad weeks are when I see things for what they really are.
Here's the thing:
1. For me to be happy, I need to have my life be about something.
2. I don't believe in anything Higher or Ultimate, and so I believe that I have to choose for myself what my life is going to be about.
3. So I choose something (it's usually friends, relationships, sometimes it's work), and this works temporarily, but then I remember that I just arbitrarily chose it, and how can I make my life be about something arbitrary? There are other options! How do I know I'm choosing right?
4. I can no longer make my life about that thing, for a couple of weeks, and I feel empty, directionless, drifting. And then back to 1.
So I am afraid that the only way I will be happy is if I can stop myself from remembering that I just arbitrarily chose what my life will be about (if I can be delusional, basically) OR if I can somehow be okay with the fact that all we can do is choose, and there's no use being disappointed in that, because that's all there is. OR if I can somehow find something that works for me, that I can actually think is ultimate, and I can organize my life around that.
For some reason, I cannot just let this happen. I cannot just stop thinking. I don't think I will ever be able to. So you might want to say "Just get over it!" "Stop thinking about it!" "You think too much and make yourself crazy!" Well, yes, great, but it's not like I can help it, you know? I think this would be hard to understand for someone who hasn't felt this way before--that your thoughts are sort of out of your control. Where nearly every single moment becomes something to analyze, where you see every single moment from an outside perspective, and don't actually live in your own life very often. It's like a constant state of reflection. Sometimes when I am with other people, or singing to music in the car, or drunk, I can drown out the reflection, but this is always only temporary. It makes me tired. It makes me feel like an outsider in my own life. It makes me feel like I can't genuinely connect to anybody--they're not going to understand me and I can't give myself to them because i don't have any self to give. I can become infatuated with people, but I don't know if I can love them. How can you love someone if you're always wondering if your feelings are genuine, or what they mean, or what love is? I'm not so sure I can deeply feel anything (is this why I can't get delighted?) because I instantly distance myself from everything I feel and even when I am acting like I am feeling I am just sort of acting the way I know people are supposed to act when they feel certain ways. Sometimes I just want to sleep so that I can stop thinking.
I hate this. I really do. I do not feel like a real person. I do not know what to do. Am I always going to be like this, 1-2 weeks out of every month? Is there anything I can actually do to fix it?
I feel detached and selfish. I do not want to be who I am right now, if I even knew what that was.
life as living
Do you ever stop and think that you are not living the kind of life you really want to be living?
Do you ever picture the life you really want to be living and realize that it's a life of nothing?
Not nothing, exactly, but nothing that society would value. A life of traveling the world, every day a new experience a new chance at encounter a time to see something you've never ever seen before and may never ever see again?
Perhaps life is not just an accumulation of as many different experiences as possible. Perhaps life is about setting down roots. Perhaps life is about staying in your hometown your entire life. Perhaps life is about finding a place a people you love and never leaving.
Perhaps life isn't about just the same thing for everyone. Perhaps everyone has to decide what their lives are about, what is going to make them feel like they are truly living their lives, and we'll all come out differently on that decision.
This semester, my life has been shifting. It is as if I have been clearing away all the sediment that has built up these past 10 years over the glowing core of who I am and I am just now getting in touch with who I want to be. The shifting is not yet over--things have not yet settled. But it is nearing the time to live.
Do you ever picture the life you really want to be living and realize that it's a life of nothing?
Not nothing, exactly, but nothing that society would value. A life of traveling the world, every day a new experience a new chance at encounter a time to see something you've never ever seen before and may never ever see again?
Perhaps life is not just an accumulation of as many different experiences as possible. Perhaps life is about setting down roots. Perhaps life is about staying in your hometown your entire life. Perhaps life is about finding a place a people you love and never leaving.
Perhaps life isn't about just the same thing for everyone. Perhaps everyone has to decide what their lives are about, what is going to make them feel like they are truly living their lives, and we'll all come out differently on that decision.
This semester, my life has been shifting. It is as if I have been clearing away all the sediment that has built up these past 10 years over the glowing core of who I am and I am just now getting in touch with who I want to be. The shifting is not yet over--things have not yet settled. But it is nearing the time to live.
Monday, November 27, 2006
richness
Just took a shot of Nyquil and thought I would write down some rambles, in honor of my starting to read On The Road tonight. You know, Kerouac banged out the whole thing in three weeks on a roll of tracing paper he taped together so he wouldn't have to change sheets as he was typing (i'd heard this before and of course you're supposed to be shocked, amazed) but then i found out tonight as i was reading the introduction to the book that he revised the thing, a lot, over the course of a few years, and the final printed version contained edits from the publisher that he didn't even get to approve before the book went to print. Apparently genius does take some revision, after all.
I sat in Barnes & Noble this evening, for an hour and a half or so, intending to grade, and I did, a bit, but I spent much of the time making a list of things I know I need to do to be happy. As I wrote the list, a list I've made before, it struck me differently this time, because I saw so clearly that it's just a fact: i know what things I need to do to feel fulfilled, i know the sorts of things that bring me joy, and the list i made tonight is similar to any list i would have made in at least the last five years, i think, but the problem has always been that i haven't been able (or willing) to reorganize my life in such a way as to make those things central. Can I do it can I do it.
I wonder I worry I question whether I have a sense of self. I may, but I don't think it's very strong, if it's there. I'm such a people pleaser that I think I often mold my behavior my actions my likes to fit the people who I like oh you're my friend so i want to like what you like and i want to do what you want to do but you know what do i want to do what counts for me what do i really value. I clearly value other people or at least their affection and there's nothing wrong with that but how many times have i hung out with people just for the sake of being with people and not because i particularly felt like going to the bar or the cafe or wherever one thing i liked about living in tampa, which i was reminded of this week (i was reminded of a lot of covered over aspects of my personality this week), was that i knew a lot of people there so i could see a lot of different people which meant that i saw some people less often which meant there was always more to say. then again there were people i saw all the time with whom i didn't run out of things to say but it was different i think because our conversations weren't always about our lives and our questions and our turning points and our crises but just about well just about anything.
Are people something I collect, along the way, some to be discarded some to be held on to but who knows for how long?
I just don't give enough attention to my friends. Not that they need it, but I know I'd be happier if I gave it. I wrote a letter to a friend on the plane back from Tampa or no it was the plane to Tampa and you know how much it means to someone to get a letter, a package, in the mail? I love it when I get that, even if it's just a card a note a short letter because it's so personal and it takes time and this person likes you enough to spend that kind of time on you on nourishing the connecting you have with them they have with you.
I was in Taco Bell tonight, inside, ordering, and had to wait for ten minutes for the food and as I looked around the place I was depressed because it didn't seem like many of the people in there had very rich lives. There seems to be a deadness or a hollowness to many people but I wonder if their lives are in fact just as rich as mine might be, but we draw the richness from different sources. But I think people have lost something with a loss of religion, with the loss of a life saturated with symbols where every event means something extra because it's connected to the cosmos. A meal is not just a meal it is a ritual connecting you to an ultimate order. A life is not just a life it is part of a divine plan. Other people are not other individuals they are all part of the same or are interconnected intertwined. I don't know if there's a way to capture the richness of religion without the supernatural elements that so many people don't really believe in anymore. Many people might claim to be religious but they don't live religiously.
I want my life to be a work of art. I want to know people who view their lives in the same way. Who want their lives to mean something to reveal something of the truth.
I remember nights in the dorm where we'd stay up all night talking just talking just because we loved the conversation and because there was a gradual bonding occurring there a familiarity rising
but that doesn't happen anymore does it. There's no time. I'd be tired in the morning. We didn't care then.
What is it that really really counts in a human life? What really really counts for you? For me.
I think to myself that I should do one nice thing for a friend every day and I think yes that'd be nice even if it was something small but then it seems ridiculous that I'd have to plan something like that, that i'd have to set a quota. Shouldn't I just be doing these things? But I feel like I have to plan it like it has to fit into some schedule like I can spend 30 minutes a day on "doing a nice thing for a friend" (item 12 on the list) and 30 minutes a day on "spiritual pursuits" and 30 minutes "scanning the newspaper" and an hour "reading for fun" and an hour "blogging" and 30 minutes on my "daily record" and wow that sounds far too regimented. And yet these are all things that are important to me on some level, but why can't they just flow together, why can't they just flow naturally out of my life? Why do i feel that I have to establish them as habits? If I really wanted to read the paper blog daily record read for fun etc. then wouldn't I just do them every day because I'd be so moved? I do feel that there are bad habits obstructing me from doing these things, that I've built a dam against the natural flow of my life in the form of bad habits that keep me from focusing time and energy on things that bring me much more happiness; so if things were flowing naturally i'd be doing all of the above they wouldn't have to be habits but to get there i have to break the dam that i have spent many years building.
How do you make yourself more able to approach people semi-randomly? More willing to just talk? Do I just need to start thinking of myself as attractive, as someone that people would want to talk to them? I have never thought of myself this way...but I think attractive people are the only ones who get away with the random approach, think how thrilled you'd be if someone of the sex you fancied walked up to you and started talking to you being genuinely interested in getting to know you if you were attracted to them and how annoyed you'd be if you weren't. The unattractive person who approaches people is a crazy; the attractive person who approaches people is a magnet. I often assume that people don't want to be talked to, at least by me.
But maybe we're all just interested in the people we find attractive, physically, mentally, spiritually, whatever.
Our love turned cold
A sheet of ice
But on rainy nights
Listening to the hiss
I saw a hole
And drop my line
And catch the things
That kept us warm
-----
Sometimes when I am walking
And the wind hits me just right
My thoughts are blown to you
And not just you but the others
With whom I once wanted so
To link arms and huddle close
And fight against the wind
I sat in Barnes & Noble this evening, for an hour and a half or so, intending to grade, and I did, a bit, but I spent much of the time making a list of things I know I need to do to be happy. As I wrote the list, a list I've made before, it struck me differently this time, because I saw so clearly that it's just a fact: i know what things I need to do to feel fulfilled, i know the sorts of things that bring me joy, and the list i made tonight is similar to any list i would have made in at least the last five years, i think, but the problem has always been that i haven't been able (or willing) to reorganize my life in such a way as to make those things central. Can I do it can I do it.
I wonder I worry I question whether I have a sense of self. I may, but I don't think it's very strong, if it's there. I'm such a people pleaser that I think I often mold my behavior my actions my likes to fit the people who I like oh you're my friend so i want to like what you like and i want to do what you want to do but you know what do i want to do what counts for me what do i really value. I clearly value other people or at least their affection and there's nothing wrong with that but how many times have i hung out with people just for the sake of being with people and not because i particularly felt like going to the bar or the cafe or wherever one thing i liked about living in tampa, which i was reminded of this week (i was reminded of a lot of covered over aspects of my personality this week), was that i knew a lot of people there so i could see a lot of different people which meant that i saw some people less often which meant there was always more to say. then again there were people i saw all the time with whom i didn't run out of things to say but it was different i think because our conversations weren't always about our lives and our questions and our turning points and our crises but just about well just about anything.
Are people something I collect, along the way, some to be discarded some to be held on to but who knows for how long?
I just don't give enough attention to my friends. Not that they need it, but I know I'd be happier if I gave it. I wrote a letter to a friend on the plane back from Tampa or no it was the plane to Tampa and you know how much it means to someone to get a letter, a package, in the mail? I love it when I get that, even if it's just a card a note a short letter because it's so personal and it takes time and this person likes you enough to spend that kind of time on you on nourishing the connecting you have with them they have with you.
I was in Taco Bell tonight, inside, ordering, and had to wait for ten minutes for the food and as I looked around the place I was depressed because it didn't seem like many of the people in there had very rich lives. There seems to be a deadness or a hollowness to many people but I wonder if their lives are in fact just as rich as mine might be, but we draw the richness from different sources. But I think people have lost something with a loss of religion, with the loss of a life saturated with symbols where every event means something extra because it's connected to the cosmos. A meal is not just a meal it is a ritual connecting you to an ultimate order. A life is not just a life it is part of a divine plan. Other people are not other individuals they are all part of the same or are interconnected intertwined. I don't know if there's a way to capture the richness of religion without the supernatural elements that so many people don't really believe in anymore. Many people might claim to be religious but they don't live religiously.
I want my life to be a work of art. I want to know people who view their lives in the same way. Who want their lives to mean something to reveal something of the truth.
I remember nights in the dorm where we'd stay up all night talking just talking just because we loved the conversation and because there was a gradual bonding occurring there a familiarity rising
but that doesn't happen anymore does it. There's no time. I'd be tired in the morning. We didn't care then.
What is it that really really counts in a human life? What really really counts for you? For me.
I think to myself that I should do one nice thing for a friend every day and I think yes that'd be nice even if it was something small but then it seems ridiculous that I'd have to plan something like that, that i'd have to set a quota. Shouldn't I just be doing these things? But I feel like I have to plan it like it has to fit into some schedule like I can spend 30 minutes a day on "doing a nice thing for a friend" (item 12 on the list) and 30 minutes a day on "spiritual pursuits" and 30 minutes "scanning the newspaper" and an hour "reading for fun" and an hour "blogging" and 30 minutes on my "daily record" and wow that sounds far too regimented. And yet these are all things that are important to me on some level, but why can't they just flow together, why can't they just flow naturally out of my life? Why do i feel that I have to establish them as habits? If I really wanted to read the paper blog daily record read for fun etc. then wouldn't I just do them every day because I'd be so moved? I do feel that there are bad habits obstructing me from doing these things, that I've built a dam against the natural flow of my life in the form of bad habits that keep me from focusing time and energy on things that bring me much more happiness; so if things were flowing naturally i'd be doing all of the above they wouldn't have to be habits but to get there i have to break the dam that i have spent many years building.
How do you make yourself more able to approach people semi-randomly? More willing to just talk? Do I just need to start thinking of myself as attractive, as someone that people would want to talk to them? I have never thought of myself this way...but I think attractive people are the only ones who get away with the random approach, think how thrilled you'd be if someone of the sex you fancied walked up to you and started talking to you being genuinely interested in getting to know you if you were attracted to them and how annoyed you'd be if you weren't. The unattractive person who approaches people is a crazy; the attractive person who approaches people is a magnet. I often assume that people don't want to be talked to, at least by me.
But maybe we're all just interested in the people we find attractive, physically, mentally, spiritually, whatever.
Our love turned cold
A sheet of ice
But on rainy nights
Listening to the hiss
I saw a hole
And drop my line
And catch the things
That kept us warm
-----
Sometimes when I am walking
And the wind hits me just right
My thoughts are blown to you
And not just you but the others
With whom I once wanted so
To link arms and huddle close
And fight against the wind
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)