live

Don't forget what makes you feel most alive.

Don't forget what makes you who you are.

Embrace these things.

Live.

misalignment

I am feeling better tonight, not sure why. I woke up this morning feeling fairly depressed, the usual stuff, but throughout the day the fog lifted. I am hoping this persists, but I feel as if I'm at the whim of my moods right now. Much of my life is in place right now, and I am content with so many parts of it--but there are still a couple things misaligned, and I think I know what I need to do to get those things back on track. I just need to do them.

damp

I can't sleep.

I really thought I was going to be better, but I have to admit I'm back to where I was a couple of weeks ago. How the hell did I end up like this? How did I end up so disappointed in myself, thinking so little of myself? I feel like I have made so many wrong turns in life and now I'm so far off course that there's no way I can escape from a life of mediocrity. This may not be true, of course, but this is how it feels. I don't understand why.

I feel dead at the core. I want to just push myself, just start getting things done, just try to turn things around! I'm trying to light a fire inside of me but the wood is damp. It won't catch.

And so I'm lying in bed, trying to hide from the world under the sheets, hoping that when I wake up I'll feel better, but somehow knowing it won't be.

I have got to do something. But I don't know what to do anymore. At moments like this, I don't know what could possibly make things better.

But they will get better, and hopefully when I'm thinking more positively I can do something.

separatism

How did I come to feel so isolated from people who are dear to me?

It's my own doing.

My community now consists of a number of one-on-one connections, spread out all over the country (the world, in a couple of cases). This isn't really a community, though, is it? But it is what I have, and I should probably lean more on those connections, which in fact do mean quite a lot to me (though I don't think you'd know it from the amount of time I put into them).

I wish there was a place I could go where a group of people I knew incredibly well and felt incredibly comfortable with was hanging out, and I could just sink into the comfort of their support. I suppose a girlfriend would fit the bill, too, but I'd probably rather have the group--I don't like the idea of making one person into my community, since I think it puts too much strain on that single connection. In a group, the support is spread out across a number of connections, no one strand is overstrained. Of course, it'd be best to have both, wouldn't it?

Let's talk about why I don't have a girlfriend.
Actually, let's not.
Because I think that, when it comes right down to it, love is a mystery. You find it if you find it, you don't if you don't. Love can be (love IS) a hugely important part of life, but it does not occur exclusively in a romantic relationship. Family, friends, even work can be sources of love, if your heart is in them.

I want to love my life. Every bit of it. I think this is possible, or nearly possible, at least.

But you've got to know yourself. You've got to know what you love.

vision

I do not feel that I have found a community here in Illinois, which I think was a key to my happiness in Pittsburgh and in Tampa. I don't blame Illinois for this--I blame only myself. I think that in college (and even in my Master's) it was easier to fall into a community. In college, I had the dorm, and I had student organizations (especially Student Life, which was probably the formative experience of my college career). In my Master's, I had the Religious Studies Department and, nearer to the end, I unexpectedly fell into a sort of community at a local Starbucks. Here in Illinois, I have found a community neither in my department nor through student organizations. I don't think there's much that I can do about the department, especially at this point. We're all getting along now, but I don't think we're going to gel into a community, at least not one that I'm a part of. As for student organizations, I have made the mistake of not getting involved with a meaningful group (like Student Life was for me in college) here, even though it's obvious that this kind of involvement has been key to my happiness at other places. I did make an attempt to get involved here, near the end of my first year and beginning of my second, by working with the grad student committee of the Student Senate--I was even supposed to be the chair my second year. But I wasn't really invested in it, and didn't think the mission of the committee was that clear, and ended up letting that go. Perhaps I should have tried harder to stay involved there. But, really, I should have been more vigilant about finding a worthwhile group. I had a chance to get involved in something at the beginning of the semester--the Intergroup Dialogue group. I was in the class they sponsor, which could have led to work with a dialogue facilitation course on religion this coming Spring. This kind of work is dear to my heart, but I dropped the class, because I decided I only wanted one class, and the Social Philosophy class won out. I see now that this was a mistake. I should have taken both classes. The Dialogue group might've been just the kind of thing that would have invigorated me. The Social Philosophy class invigorated me intellectually and personally, but I think the Dialogue class would have invigorated me interpersonally. So this Spring, when I return from break, I think I'm going to try to get involved in something. I'm going to try to find a group that's working on something that I value, and I am hoping that, through this group, I can meet people with common interests and engage in the kind of work that helps me feel worthwhile. This is all part of me being more honest with myself about the kinds of things that make me deeply happy and then really pursuing those things and not letting myself chicken out, which is what I always always often often do.

I have also
been thinking
about a vision.

I realize that I have a lot of interesting (to me, anyway) ideas about religion, about education, about their intersection. But they don't really hold together into a vision, a comprehensive way of looking at religion and education. Perhaps I think that public schools should include space for students to explore issues of meaning--what their lives are about. This would include having them learning about different religious and non-religious worldviews in order that they could find a worldview that resonates with their lives. That seems authentic. Fine, fine, but what's the vision of religion and education that this idea relies on? What am I saying about religion if students can just come to identify with a particular one? What am I saying about schooling? What are the visions here? I think it would be beneficial to outline an ideal vision of religion and education--a sort of utopia--and then I could develop concrete steps for moving from our current situation to the utopian situation.

Keep thinking.

adrift

I devalue my own life. I always want to be living others' lives. I think that others are better than me and I feel like I have somehow screwed up or I could be as good as them. I'm not saying this to get sympathy, and I know it's not even really true, but this is how I feel sometimes.

I've been on antidepressants for the past week and a half, and while I can't be sure that it's the medicine making the difference, I've certainly felt better. I haven't been needlessly worrying as much, and I haven't been making myself feel guilty about not doing X or not being Y enough. I feel like they've brought me to the point where I can think clearly about other things besides my "problems" for once.

That all being said, I still don't feel quite right about things. I would like to be satisfied--really satisfied--with who I am and what I'm doing. Not complacent, just satisfied, at least to the point where I'm not always thinking I should be thinking and acting differently, comparing myself to others. I want my life to flow--right now I may actually have too much flexibility, and I feel adrift, directionless.

Stay hungry.

thanks

A special thank you goes out this late night/early morning to my friends, who are a large part of what gives my life meaning.

return

I am feeling much better, like I used to feel. I'm still thinking about things, but I'm not letting my thoughts consume me. I'm not letting them worry me to the point of distraction from life. I can feel sad or melancholy without it sending me into despair. I have felt joy again. I don't remember the last time I felt this way for more than a few hours at a time.

I am hoping that now I have the strength to make the kind of changes in my life that I want to make. Hopefully over break I can think this through and come up with a sort of plan. Then we'll see how that plan works when I come back to C-U in January.

Hopefully I'll write more later.

he

He often felt that his life was full of excellent plans that he was never able to bring to fruition. It was as if he consistently knew what he had to do to be content, but didn't have the courage to do what it would take, because it would mean re-organizing his life in certain ways that he couldn't make himself embrace. It might have had something to do with the people in his life. He'd seemingly do anything, even if he wasn't particularly interested, if it meant he wouldn't have to be alone. If he liked somebody, that person could sway him with ease simply by stating his (or her) preference. He might not be deeply interested in doing X, but he'd do X if one of his friends wanted to. If he had multiple options, he'd choose based on who he liked more at the moment, and not necessarily on what he thought about the options or what might be best for him at the time. But what were his preferences? What did he deeply value? What did he want to do? At times, he would ask himself these questions, and he had a difficult time coming up with the answers.

Of course, the fact that he tended to be unobjectionable gave him a reputation as an easygoing individual. He was fairly well-liked, tended not to offend people...

He did seem to enjoy coversation. At least, this is what he would tell people: one of his favorite things to do, he'd say, was just to hang out, and talk. Go to a coffeeshop, a bar, and just talk. But what would he talk about, exactly? What would he say to his friends? Occasionally, there'd be what felt like a meaningful conversation, a sharing of ideas, of dreams, of hopes, of values. But sometimes he felt that he was just rambling to people about his ideas, dreams, hopes, and values, getting so excited about changing the world about making a difference but then...was it all talk? Did he ever actually do anything about it? He wondered, then, if conversations--if much of his life--was really just a way to pass the time, postponing a moment of action in favor of passionate but hollow talk.

But what was keeping him from doing what he really wanted to do? Was it a lack of clarity on what he wanted? Maybe. But he tended to think it was really a lack of focus, which bred a sort of laziness. Yes, that's it, he had to admit when it came right down to it: he was lazy and unfocused. And there's a lack of willpower somewhere in there, too, he knew. He just could not work up the motivation to do the kinds of things that he knew would make his life feel meaningful to himself. This may have been because of certain habits that were ingrained in him that were counter to his happiness. He had been able to coast along, to get by, on these habits for quite some time now. He'd even done better than coasting! But he felt the time coming when he would not be able to coast anymore. When this wouldn't work. True happiness would require focus and will, because he wouldn't be happy with the things that would ultimately come from just coasting.

He needed to feel like his life counted for something. He needed to be doing something with his life that mattered to him, generally. He needed to feel driven, and though he could feel driven in very short bursts, it often wasn't there.

Sometimes it didn't seem to matter so much. Other times it did. But he knew this: he did not want his life to feel like it was drifting by, with him watching the hours pass, without holding on to anything. He needed to live his life and not watch his life being lived.

embrace

Light shining through the clouds, on my way back to what passes for normal. Going to see the doctor on Friday because I don't want to go through this again and I don't think I can help myself. Thanks, Liz, for the comments--everything you said is right on, but when I get in "those moods" I feel like I just can't help it. Like I don't have control over my own thoughts, moods, etc. But you're right: I do need to appreciate what I have, because I have quite a lot. And I need to embrace what I have and hold on tight rather than always reaching for things that aren't really there.

cycle

Is this really what I want to be doing?

I am being dramatic. I think that's how it seems.

I would like to get on with life.

I feel, though, like I am coming apart.

Maybe it's too much to expect happiness from life--maybe I'm just blocking it, keeping it from happening.

I am tired of the ups and downs.

Some of the days are okay, some are not okay, but from the wide angle they all seem like drudgery. Just slogging through another day. And sometimes I can pretend like things count--I can really believe it--and sometimes I just can't. And sometimes I can really look forward to life, and sometimes I just can't. When I am in a good mood later, I will read this, and just think I'm whining (if you're in a good mood, I bet that's what it sounds like). Right now, I don't feel as if anyone could relate to me, but later, I won't even be able to relate to myself.

And I can just ride it out, which is what I do every god damn time, but I know that it will just happen again. I have a few good weeks, then I have a bad week or two, then I have a few good week--and this makes me feel like the good weeks are just the weeks I am delusional, and the bad weeks are when I see things for what they really are.

Here's the thing:
1. For me to be happy, I need to have my life be about something.
2. I don't believe in anything Higher or Ultimate, and so I believe that I have to choose for myself what my life is going to be about.
3. So I choose something (it's usually friends, relationships, sometimes it's work), and this works temporarily, but then I remember that I just arbitrarily chose it, and how can I make my life be about something arbitrary? There are other options! How do I know I'm choosing right?
4. I can no longer make my life about that thing, for a couple of weeks, and I feel empty, directionless, drifting. And then back to 1.

So I am afraid that the only way I will be happy is if I can stop myself from remembering that I just arbitrarily chose what my life will be about (if I can be delusional, basically) OR if I can somehow be okay with the fact that all we can do is choose, and there's no use being disappointed in that, because that's all there is. OR if I can somehow find something that works for me, that I can actually think is ultimate, and I can organize my life around that.

For some reason, I cannot just let this happen. I cannot just stop thinking. I don't think I will ever be able to. So you might want to say "Just get over it!" "Stop thinking about it!" "You think too much and make yourself crazy!" Well, yes, great, but it's not like I can help it, you know? I think this would be hard to understand for someone who hasn't felt this way before--that your thoughts are sort of out of your control. Where nearly every single moment becomes something to analyze, where you see every single moment from an outside perspective, and don't actually live in your own life very often. It's like a constant state of reflection. Sometimes when I am with other people, or singing to music in the car, or drunk, I can drown out the reflection, but this is always only temporary. It makes me tired. It makes me feel like an outsider in my own life. It makes me feel like I can't genuinely connect to anybody--they're not going to understand me and I can't give myself to them because i don't have any self to give. I can become infatuated with people, but I don't know if I can love them. How can you love someone if you're always wondering if your feelings are genuine, or what they mean, or what love is? I'm not so sure I can deeply feel anything (is this why I can't get delighted?) because I instantly distance myself from everything I feel and even when I am acting like I am feeling I am just sort of acting the way I know people are supposed to act when they feel certain ways. Sometimes I just want to sleep so that I can stop thinking.

I hate this. I really do. I do not feel like a real person. I do not know what to do. Am I always going to be like this, 1-2 weeks out of every month? Is there anything I can actually do to fix it?

I feel detached and selfish. I do not want to be who I am right now, if I even knew what that was.

life as living

Do you ever stop and think that you are not living the kind of life you really want to be living?

Do you ever picture the life you really want to be living and realize that it's a life of nothing?

Not nothing, exactly, but nothing that society would value. A life of traveling the world, every day a new experience a new chance at encounter a time to see something you've never ever seen before and may never ever see again?

Perhaps life is not just an accumulation of as many different experiences as possible. Perhaps life is about setting down roots. Perhaps life is about staying in your hometown your entire life. Perhaps life is about finding a place a people you love and never leaving.

Perhaps life isn't about just the same thing for everyone. Perhaps everyone has to decide what their lives are about, what is going to make them feel like they are truly living their lives, and we'll all come out differently on that decision.

This semester, my life has been shifting. It is as if I have been clearing away all the sediment that has built up these past 10 years over the glowing core of who I am and I am just now getting in touch with who I want to be. The shifting is not yet over--things have not yet settled. But it is nearing the time to live.

richness

Just took a shot of Nyquil and thought I would write down some rambles, in honor of my starting to read On The Road tonight. You know, Kerouac banged out the whole thing in three weeks on a roll of tracing paper he taped together so he wouldn't have to change sheets as he was typing (i'd heard this before and of course you're supposed to be shocked, amazed) but then i found out tonight as i was reading the introduction to the book that he revised the thing, a lot, over the course of a few years, and the final printed version contained edits from the publisher that he didn't even get to approve before the book went to print. Apparently genius does take some revision, after all.

I sat in Barnes & Noble this evening, for an hour and a half or so, intending to grade, and I did, a bit, but I spent much of the time making a list of things I know I need to do to be happy. As I wrote the list, a list I've made before, it struck me differently this time, because I saw so clearly that it's just a fact: i know what things I need to do to feel fulfilled, i know the sorts of things that bring me joy, and the list i made tonight is similar to any list i would have made in at least the last five years, i think, but the problem has always been that i haven't been able (or willing) to reorganize my life in such a way as to make those things central. Can I do it can I do it.

I wonder I worry I question whether I have a sense of self. I may, but I don't think it's very strong, if it's there. I'm such a people pleaser that I think I often mold my behavior my actions my likes to fit the people who I like oh you're my friend so i want to like what you like and i want to do what you want to do but you know what do i want to do what counts for me what do i really value. I clearly value other people or at least their affection and there's nothing wrong with that but how many times have i hung out with people just for the sake of being with people and not because i particularly felt like going to the bar or the cafe or wherever one thing i liked about living in tampa, which i was reminded of this week (i was reminded of a lot of covered over aspects of my personality this week), was that i knew a lot of people there so i could see a lot of different people which meant that i saw some people less often which meant there was always more to say. then again there were people i saw all the time with whom i didn't run out of things to say but it was different i think because our conversations weren't always about our lives and our questions and our turning points and our crises but just about well just about anything.

Are people something I collect, along the way, some to be discarded some to be held on to but who knows for how long?

I just don't give enough attention to my friends. Not that they need it, but I know I'd be happier if I gave it. I wrote a letter to a friend on the plane back from Tampa or no it was the plane to Tampa and you know how much it means to someone to get a letter, a package, in the mail? I love it when I get that, even if it's just a card a note a short letter because it's so personal and it takes time and this person likes you enough to spend that kind of time on you on nourishing the connecting you have with them they have with you.

I was in Taco Bell tonight, inside, ordering, and had to wait for ten minutes for the food and as I looked around the place I was depressed because it didn't seem like many of the people in there had very rich lives. There seems to be a deadness or a hollowness to many people but I wonder if their lives are in fact just as rich as mine might be, but we draw the richness from different sources. But I think people have lost something with a loss of religion, with the loss of a life saturated with symbols where every event means something extra because it's connected to the cosmos. A meal is not just a meal it is a ritual connecting you to an ultimate order. A life is not just a life it is part of a divine plan. Other people are not other individuals they are all part of the same or are interconnected intertwined. I don't know if there's a way to capture the richness of religion without the supernatural elements that so many people don't really believe in anymore. Many people might claim to be religious but they don't live religiously.

I want my life to be a work of art. I want to know people who view their lives in the same way. Who want their lives to mean something to reveal something of the truth.

I remember nights in the dorm where we'd stay up all night talking just talking just because we loved the conversation and because there was a gradual bonding occurring there a familiarity rising

but that doesn't happen anymore does it. There's no time. I'd be tired in the morning. We didn't care then.

What is it that really really counts in a human life? What really really counts for you? For me.

I think to myself that I should do one nice thing for a friend every day and I think yes that'd be nice even if it was something small but then it seems ridiculous that I'd have to plan something like that, that i'd have to set a quota. Shouldn't I just be doing these things? But I feel like I have to plan it like it has to fit into some schedule like I can spend 30 minutes a day on "doing a nice thing for a friend" (item 12 on the list) and 30 minutes a day on "spiritual pursuits" and 30 minutes "scanning the newspaper" and an hour "reading for fun" and an hour "blogging" and 30 minutes on my "daily record" and wow that sounds far too regimented. And yet these are all things that are important to me on some level, but why can't they just flow together, why can't they just flow naturally out of my life? Why do i feel that I have to establish them as habits? If I really wanted to read the paper blog daily record read for fun etc. then wouldn't I just do them every day because I'd be so moved? I do feel that there are bad habits obstructing me from doing these things, that I've built a dam against the natural flow of my life in the form of bad habits that keep me from focusing time and energy on things that bring me much more happiness; so if things were flowing naturally i'd be doing all of the above they wouldn't have to be habits but to get there i have to break the dam that i have spent many years building.

How do you make yourself more able to approach people semi-randomly? More willing to just talk? Do I just need to start thinking of myself as attractive, as someone that people would want to talk to them? I have never thought of myself this way...but I think attractive people are the only ones who get away with the random approach, think how thrilled you'd be if someone of the sex you fancied walked up to you and started talking to you being genuinely interested in getting to know you if you were attracted to them and how annoyed you'd be if you weren't. The unattractive person who approaches people is a crazy; the attractive person who approaches people is a magnet. I often assume that people don't want to be talked to, at least by me.

But maybe we're all just interested in the people we find attractive, physically, mentally, spiritually, whatever.

Our love turned cold
A sheet of ice
But on rainy nights
Listening to the hiss
I saw a hole
And drop my line
And catch the things
That kept us warm

-----

Sometimes when I am walking
And the wind hits me just right
My thoughts are blown to you
And not just you but the others
With whom I once wanted so
To link arms and huddle close
And fight against the wind

giovanni i

"Love him," said Jacques, with vehemence, "love him and let him love you. Do you think anything else under heaven really matters? And how long, at the best, can it last? since you are both men and still have everywhere to go? Only five minutes, I assure you, only five minutes, and most of that, helas! in the dark. And if you think of them as dirty, then they will be dirty--they will be dirty because you will be giving nothing, you will be despising your flesh and his. But you can make your time together anything but dirty; you can give each other something which will make both of you better--forever--if you will not be ashamed, if you will only not play it safe." He paused, watching me, and then looked down to his cognac. "You play it safe long enough," he said, in a different tone, "and you'll end up trapped in your own dirty body, forever and forever and forever--like me."

erratum

Guess what? It's "Franny," not "Franney." I deeply regret the error.

scattershot

Made it to Chicago, now in the coffeeshop. Four hours ago, I was sitting in the Tampa airport. Oh, modern transportation, thank you.

This place is a trip. There's "art" all over the walls--one is a speech bubble that says, "Really now, how long can you tolerate the same genetalia?" Isn't it genitalia? And somebody just yelled out, "Jeff!" in that, hey, I'm here, you missed me, kind of way. He wasn't calling for me.

I feel like I'm coming apart, but I think is just because I'm sick and a bit dazed from being in three different places in the past six days. How about some stability? No, next weekend I'm leaving again and then two weeks later I'm driving back to Florida.

In case I've forgotten how unoriginal I am, there's a guy sitting over by the window wearing the same red track jacket that I got from American Apparel maybe a month or so ago. Cool is calculated. And that really isn't cool at all.

What are the universal human concerns, the universal human emotions?

I wonder if sometimes philosophers who prescribe ideal forms of life are only trying to justify the fact that they're so different, and probably lonely. Like: hey, I may be lonely, but at least I'm living life better than those idiots.

I have a great difficulty feeling moved by anything. I don't think I have many genuine emotions. What does this mean, what does this mean: of course I have emotions. But I feel like I'm playing at them. Like I rarely feel anything that comes from my core. I saw a friend last night, an old friend, who I've known for a few years, and she seemed genuinely delighted to see me. She actually ran up to me, smiling, hugging...and I was touched. I was of course happy to see her but I was also wondering when was the last time I was that delighted to see somebody? I mean really just thrilled?

I think overanalyzing emotions deadens them. Or maybe it's better to say that it distances someone from his emotions. You can't take them seriously anymore. They become the result of social conditions, or biological conditions, and you don't own them anymore. They don't--they can't--come from your heart, because you don't believe in such things anyway. Heart? Soul? What?

I wonder if it's possible to live a fulfilled life if you don't believe in something Higher than you, whether a Being, a Cause, a Purpose, an End. Maybe even if nothing is truly Highest, we all have to believe in something Higher. If we're going to be deeply happy, anyway.

Have you read Franney and Zooey? Oh, you should. A friend gave it to me, actually saying she'd thought I'd like it--does somebody really know me well enough to recommend something to me that I'd actually like? Apparently, yes, because I did like it. Franney discovers spirituality, it makes everything seem like bullshit, and she is sent home from college, distraught. Her brother, Zooey, talks with her about this, at first pushing that even the spirituality is bullshit, but then helping her to see that everyone's divine, really. There's more to it than this, and I should read it again, but the characters think and talk about a lot of the same things that have been on my mind for years, and this was written 50 years ago, you know...

...and I think that there are no answers, but you just have to choose a path with conviction. However, I think we live at a time where true conviction is hard to hold without a bit of delusion, because you know that you're just choosing it, but you have to delude yourself into thinking that you're not, so that it doesn't seem so arbitrary. But I would think that there are practical convictions we could all agree on, that don't rely on spiritual truths or grand visions of the world: people should have a chance to live fulfilling lives, and we should try to provide the conditions to make that possible, which means (fundamentally) that basic needs be met and (secondarily) that institutions be established (or modified) to cultivate fulfillment rather than obstruct its attainment. Simple as that. We disagree, of course, on what fulfillment means (I think this is the real problem), but are there conditions we can set up that would give everyone a chance to figure out what it means for themselves? I bet we could, but I also bet that to do this would require sweeping social change, and I am afraid that this kind of change is not possible anymore.

Remember when we crossed the campus
And you said it was too cold
But I insisted we keep walking
At least to that building
And you did
Well I have nearly forgotten

fly

I am in the Tampa airport, waiting for my flight to Chicago to leave. We should start boarding soon. I'm going to spend the day in Chicago (probably at a coffeeshop, trying to finish a paper that's due Tuesday) before going to a concert tonight. The concert seemed like a good idea two months ago when I bought the ticket, but now, I just feel like driving back to C-U after I get back to Chicago and sleeping. I'm a little tired and a little sick. But...I figure I'll have the paper done (or at least a draft done) by the end of the day, which would feel great.

It would be nice to spend a day not feeling tired the entire time. Maybe I need to start sleeping on a more regular pattern. Most nights this week, at home, I went to bed around 3 or 4 and woke up around 10 or 11, and while I did have some fun, I spent most of the daytime hours in a sort of daze, just wanting to nap.

I have decided not to move to Chicago next semester. This decision was largely the result of a couple of conversations I had at the conference last weekend. I'm going to try to save money this semester and this summer and then if I still feel the urge to leave, I'll try to move somewhere next year, when I'm writing my dissertation.

Whenever I come home, I feel like I'm just starting to enjoy myself and then I have to leave. It was wonderful to see everyone, but I wish I could've seen them more. I know things wouldn't be the same as they were before I left, but I think they'd be similar, if I could just spend more time with people.

Most people do not worry about the same sorts of things that I do. Sometimes I wish they did, so I wouldn't feel isolated on occasion, but they just don't. To be entirely honest, this leads me to dislike some people sometimes, because they seem sort of vacuous. But you know what? They're not. I've got more to say, but it looks like the plane is boarding, so it'll have to wait.

ringing

Many of the lessons of the past semester are ringing in my ears tonight.

I feel so removed from C-U right now. I can't believe I was just there yesterday.

I would like to feel that I have a firm hold on my life.

Had an inspiring talk with my cousin tonight at this wonderful coffeeshop/bar/lounge in Adam's Morgan in DC. The comfort of someone you have known for 26 years.

Why do you love what you love, who you love? Convenience? Are you pretending to love? Do you just want them to love you? Do you just feel like you should love those things? Let your heart out.

I hope we find our lives fulfilling most of the time. I hope we can remember what is important and somehow separate this from what we are constantly told is important and what we have been taught is important.

You can never know someone completely, but you might get close, if they let you. I am not sure why privacy, keeping things to yourself, is valued, unless it's to protect you, but then protect you from what? Why do we want to know some people so deeply and why do we not care about others at all?

Life is simpler than it seems, but it's not so simple to see that.

Art can capture truth if it's done right. Surround yourself with the right art and you can surround yourself with the truth.

How do you want to make your life significant? What would satisfy you?

You can control how you see the world.

popular mythology

I think that much of our lives are controlled by myths. We all have these ideas, these stories in our heads, of how things should be, of what's ideal, and we use these stories to judge our own lives. And yet, aside from certain biological and natural facts, I don't think things Are any particular way. We just think they are.

warm glow

I'm at a bookstore in Savoy. I should be working on about five other things, but I'd rather write a blog post. Though there are times when I need to force myself to work, I think most of the time I should do what I'm in the mood to do, because otherwise I end up getting nothing done--I try to make myself do work, but I can't focus, because I'm not in the mood, which just makes me feel bad and then I get absolutely nothing done anyway. At least now I'm writing.

I so badly want to quit smoking, but damn it I've having a hard time. I've only been having a few a day, really, which I suppose isn't awful, but I know I just need to stop entirely. I've done it for a few weeks, here and there, in the past, but I always come back to it when there's a lot of work to do, or when it's a sharply cold winter night, or after a concert, or on a drive, or in any of these situations where I'm used to having a cigarette. Where it seems like the thing to do. Where it seems satisfying. But I can't keep it at just a few a day. So I need to stop entirely.

I have (at least temporarily) slipped into a groove in my life. The needle's running around side two, smoothly. There are a few scratches along the way, but nothing so bad that it throws the needle out of the groove entirely.

I wish I had all my dearest friends in one place. I wish I was near them, or they were near me. Maybe within 2 hours. That'd be nice. As fun as it can be to go visit friends who are spread out around the country (around the world, even), it's so much better when they're with you, when they can be a part of your day-to-day, when you have that intangible sense of just knowing somebody because you spend so much time with them in so many different sorts of situation. This can't be manufactured: I think it only comes from lots of conversations, lots of time together. I associate this feeling with love--when you slip into a groove with somebody.

Is love endless fascination with another person? One of my friends thinks so, and though my initial response was, "Well, you can't be fascinated with somebody endlessly! What about when you do mundane things together? If you expect endless fascination, then you'll always be disappointed!" I've been thinking about it, and I know what my friend means. I think of it as being dazzled by someone. You just think, wow, I am so lucky to know this person, and I am so stunned that they even exist. You don't feel this every single second you're with them, but when you stop, and look at them--really look at them--the feeling emerges, unbidden. I think this is what "in love" is like, and I think "true love" is sort of a mix of this feeling and a best friendship. No, no, that's not right. Because I get that from my friends sometimes and we're not what you'd call in love. So I don't know right now.

I do know that I've thought, on and off, about the differences between "in love," "love," and "true love" for quite some time. It's fun for me to think about all of this, though I know that, when it comes right down to it, thinking about it doesn't contribute at all to feeling it. You just fall in love with certain people, you just love certain others, and you hit true love with a select few. You just do. It just happens, whether you can describe it or analyze it or not. And, in fact, I think sometimes describing it and analyzing it stunts the feelings--let's not try to make something rational that's just not. Why should it be? That all being said, when I look back at people who I've felt all those types of love for, I realize that for me...

In love is a spark. An explosion of feeling for another person. It can happen quickly.

Love is a glow. There's a warm glow of feeling there for another person, but it takes time to develop.

True love is the glow punctuated with sparks. Most of the time you know you love the person and every so often you get the explosion, and you feel so deeply in love with them, too.

You can't make any of these things happen, but I think you might be able to keep them from happening, by overly rationalizing feelings, by not putting in the time needed for love to develop (not necessarily by choice, maybe by circumstance)...

They're such a huge part of what makes life rich for many people (including me), though sometimes they can send you into such turmoil, usually when the feelings aren't reciprocated. Emotionally, one of the worst things is being in love with somebody who's not in love with you. Interestingly, I don't think you can love someone who doesn't love you, though, because I think for the glow to develop there has to be a mutuality of feeling. You'll never even get to love if both people don't feel the same way. You'll stall out at acquintances.

I think people fall in and out of love rather easily (mainly because most people fall in love without really knowing somebody that well, and then they find things out that make them climb right out of love). But I think love is different. Once the glow is there, it tends not to go away, unless you let the friendship languish for so long, without ever reheating it, and the glow just fades away. Depending on how strong the glow was in the first place, this can take a long time to happen. I think of friends I love, and I realize that (with some) I could literally not have any contact with them for a couple years, and yet still love them. There's probably a limit there--it's hard to imagine still loving someone (except maybe in a nostalgic way) if I didn't talk to them for 10 years. The glow would almost certainly fade. But, generally, once the glow is there, I think it's rather effortless to sustain it. You don't have to try anymore.

Who have you been in love with?
Who do you love?
Do you think you've felt true love?

Would you even think about them in the way I just described, looking back on times when you would say you felt these things?

There's more to say, but it's time to go, I think. But quickly:

I've realized I don't feel the same need to get out of here that I did a few weeks back. Maybe because I'm more settled with work, life? I think I will still shoot for Chicago, but now it wouldn't bother me at all if it didn't work out--the secret to happiness is not there, the secret is in me, and can be anywhere.

And, are there things you want to change about yourself? I'd like to be more outgoing, thoughtful, compassionate, open, fun, blah blah--take your pick, right? Well I'm wondering if the key to changing yourself is just to act differently. If you want to be more open, then just act more open. If you want to be more outgoing, then just act more outgoing. I think we largely determine our personality traits (describe yourself using five adjectives) based on our actions--why do you think you're X? Because you've acted X-ly. Not because you Are a certain way (though you might be genetically or socially dispositioned in certain ways).

Enjoy your weekend.

lull

Being alone can be quite romantic, I think, but being with someone else can be more so, as long as you're not wanting things from that person that s/he could never be expected to give. I have long struggled with seeing people for what they are, and not for what I wish they would be.

This is one of my favorite songs, ever:

being alone it can be quite romantic
like jacques cousteau underneath the atlantic
a fantastic voyage to parts unknown
going to depths where the sun’s never shone
and i fascinate myself when i’m alone

so i go a little overboard but hang on to the hull
while i’m airbrushing fantasy art on a life
that’s really kind of dull
oh, i’m in a lull

i’m all for moderation but sometimes it seems
moderation itself can be a kind of extreme
so i joined the congregation
i joined the softball team
i went in for my confirmation
where incense looks like steam
i start conjugating proverbs
where once there were nouns
this whole damn rhyme scheme’s starting to get me down

oh, i’m in a lull
i’m in a lull

being alone it can be quite romantic
like jacques cousteau underneath the atlantic
a fantastic voyage to parts unknown
going to depths where the sun’s never shone
and i fascinate myself when i’m alone

i’m rambling on rather self consciously
while i’m stirring these condiments into my tea
and i think i’m so lame
i bet i think this song’s about me
don’t i don’t i don’t i ?

i’m in a lull
--andrew bird, "lull"

the comfort of family

Sitting in a hotel room in Spokane.

It was a nice weekend, overall. Kept up with grading, saw Borat, gave a presentation with two friends to two people that went surprisingly well (helpful comments, possible lead on a publication), talked to some recently-hired professors who had some insight into what it's really like to be a professor at a research university...and best of all, saw my cousin and her daughter. I miss being near family. There's a comfort there that it's hard to find anywhere else--my cousin, after all, has known me my entire life.

I feel incredibly peaceful right now. Content. Level.

More when I get back to C-U tomorrow.

grab hold

The days are flying by and I am trying to grab hold of pieces of them as they whip past me.

I have finished a conference paper, a conference proposal, and a fellowship application in the past 48 hours. In the next week, I will finish another conference paper, a final paper draft, a course assignment, and I will grade 90 papers. Then I'll have about 4-5 weeks to turn the final paper draft into a final paper proper, read and take notes on 1000 pages of philosophy of education reading, read and make annotations of 40-50 religion and education sources, finish 2 long-overdue papers, grade 90 more papers, and complete a final course assignment (in lieu of a final exam). I think this is manageable. It'll mean a lot of work, of course, but let's be honest: I've done this to myself. I just need to hold steady till mid-December. And there's plenty of fun to be had during this time, too. Let's not forget that.

I can't tell you how excited I am about the next year and a half. I am so ready to work on my dissertation, and I am so ready to start looking for jobs. One of my friends told me tonight that he thought it'd been a weird semester for me, a sort of transition; and he's right. I feel like I grew up a lot (became more of an "adult") this semester, largely because I've finally been honest with myself about what I want my life to be about. About what is likely to fulfill me. It's scary, because it's a different path than what I had always envisioned for myself, but I think it's liberating, in that the vision I used to have was not emerging from within. What I envision for myself now feels right.

she belongs to me

Dylan's done this one on the tour, too. Just reading the lyrics I'm moved, they seem to capture the kind of person I want to end up in love with. Songs are great at providing fantasies like this--ways we want to feel about people, about life--but I think this can be so harmful if we forget that songs (like poems, I think) capture moments, capture feelings that are by their nature always changing; if we expect the feeling in a song to last, in the same way, forever.

"She's got everything she needs,
She's an artist, she don't look back.
She's got everything she needs,
She's an artist, she don't look back.
She can take the dark out of the nighttime
And paint the daytime black.

You will start out standing
Proud to steal her anything she sees.
You will start out standing
Proud to steal her anything she sees.
But you will wind up peeking through her keyhole
Down upon your knees.

She never stumbles,
She's got no place to fall.
She never stumbles,
She's got no place to fall.
She's nobody's child,
The Law can't touch her at all.

She wears an Egyptian ring
That sparkles before she speaks.
She wears an Egyptian ring
That sparkles before she speaks.
She's a hypnotist collector,
You are a walking antique.

Bow down to her on Sunday,
Salute her when her birthday comes.
Bow down to her on Sunday,
Salute her when her birthday comes.
For Halloween give her a trumpet
And for Christmas, buy her a drum."

stream

I feel like I am caught up in a stream that is going to carry me along in its current until the end of this semester, about six weeks from now. I'm not sure if I feel at peace with this, or if I just feel resigned. I realize that I have to be careful in these next six weeks not to get entirely caught up in the idea that I have to focus on getting my work done, meaning that I'd let other things that are important to me fall away, or fade into the background.

I have a hard time accepting that my friends' lives move on, and move on well, even when I'm not around. This is a selfish thing to feel, I think, but it's true.

Here is what I am afraid of these next six weeks--or here's another way to put it: I'm afraid that I will feel numb, just focused on "getting through" until mid-December, and then I will look back and realize that I was so intent on making it till then that I didn't let anything Meaningful happen. Of course, this situation is pretty easy to avoid. I just have to be sure to make room for the Meaningful things. And there are some things I'm excited about coming up: conferences, concerts, a few days in Tampa, getting everything done, and regrouping in Chicago next semester. I've been continuing to have some realizations (I think this might be a better term than revelations) in the past few days, but I feel like I have to put them on hold until the end of the semester. Right now, I really do think that I need to worry about getting caught up with past and current obligations before I start to re-organize certain aspects of my life. So I've realized that there are things I need to give some serious thought to--most importantly, where I see myself in 2 years, when my dissertation is done, where I see myself working, where I see myself being--but I can't get too caught up in those thoughts right now, because they're just going to distract me from these things I need to get done. And unless I get these things done, I can't really move on to the next stage.

But this is the big question for me right now: what do I ultimately want to do when I'm done here? What do I want my life to be like? I think once I answer this question (at least tentatively), I'll know how to direct the next year and a half (from January 07 to May 08). I know I want my life to involve teaching, but I know there are other ways to do this besides going into academia--I might, for instance, be happier working with a group that aims to set up interreligious dialogues in local communities or with international groups. Or a group that works on peacebuilding across religious differences. And there are groups like this. There's the U.S. Institute of Peace, there's the United Religions Initative, there are various dialogue centers (at places like Simon Fraser University in Vancouver), there's UNESCO. Probably the ideal for me would be to hold a position where I could both teach undergraduate introductory courses in religion, philosophy, and education, AND "consult" with the sorts of groups I just listed. Hell, I could even try to form a group like the ones I just listed, based on my own ideas--I don't think I have things quite worked out well enought to do this just yet, but I think as I write my dissertation my thinking will become much clearer. The point here is that, once I have a sense of where I want to be in 2 years, I can then set up the next year and a half in such a way that I have a reasonable chance of getting there. Nothing's guaranteed, of course, and my ideal situation might be an unrealizable dream (especially in 2 years' time), but if that's what will fulfill me, that's what I need to aim for.

As I said, though, I can't think about this too seriously right now, because I'd be getting ahead of myself. I need to clean my slate here before I re-organize my activities.

I've always found it amazing how much of a difference in your life a single person can make. How reconnecting with an old friend or meeting a new friend can change the fabric of your life. I think you know you've met someone important to you when you realize that it's difficult to imagine what your life was like before you knew that person. You can remember it, but it's hard to put yourself back in that position again. These are life-changing people. And there are life-changing events, too. I still think the most significant one for me was my father's death almost five years ago--I can't even believe it's been that long. I simply cannot put myself in the position I was in before he passed. Certain people, certain events do this to me...my life is going along, as if in a stream, and then I'm launched out of the water by a person, by an event, only to land in a different stream, and be carried along again. I can look back, at first with the naked eye, then with binoculars, then with a telescope, eventually in memory alone, and see what that former stream was like, but I know that I can never get back into that stream again.

All the time we make decisions that change our lives, though sometimes these changes seem subtle or mundane. But sometimes we make decisions or have encounters or have things happen to us that can change our lives dramatically, irrevocably. When I chose to come here to C-U, that was one of those decisions. When I chose to go to Chicago next semester, that was another. When I made the decision to travel to AR last weekend, that was another. I see my life as a series of episodes, broken up by major events or major people--I think one episode ended about a month ago, when I started this blog and went through a sort of breakdown, and I think another one started this past weekend. I think this episode will end at the beginning of January, and another will start, which in turn will end at the beginning of the summer. But of course I never know when one episode will end and the next will start, except in cases where I'm moving or I know ahead of time something drastic is going to happen. This episodic view I have of my life keeps my life meaningful--I thrive on the change, the new experiences, the new way of life, the new relationships--but it also tends to disconnect me from the past. When one episode ends I start to feel removed from it. This doesn't mean that I forget everyone or everything from a previous episode, but it does mean that I feel those people and things shift for me. They take on a different status.

But this is the way things are. When you have a dear friend in one place, who you see nearly every day and who is a regular part of your daily life, and then you move away from that person, of course the friendship changes. They may remain just as dear, but in a different way, because you won't see them every day, you probably won't talk to them every day, and they go from being a regular part of your daily life to perhaps a regular part of your weekly life, your bi-weekly life, your monthly life. They become a voice on the phone, or words in an email, that are only embodied every so often, when you can see them again. I feel pangs of bittersweet when I think back on people who used to be such a part of my daily life and who I now talk to once a week, once a month. Something here was lost. And, yes, in that loss something else is gained--it opens up space for others to be part of your daily life and it allows for a different perspective to emerge in your friendship--but I feel bittersweet in the realization that things will never be the same. That there was a span of months (maybe years!) where I was just so incredibly close to somebody, where s/he knew all the intimate details of my everyday life and I of his/hers, and now that is gone.

Today I met with a prospective student and we were talking about the ease of the transition to the Midwest from other parts of the country and whether I'd ever consider going back to Florida. I told him that I think I might be getting to the point where I'm ready to stop bouncing around from place to place every few years. I'm ready, I said, to set in roots somewhere, to get to be part of a community of places, of people. And yet, I told him, I still do feel that urge to bounce from time to time. I still do feel a thrill in the idea of moving around--going to Chicago next semester, maybe finally going to Boston next year if it could work financially--I still do feel a thrill from the unknown, from endless possibilities of new sights, sounds, ideas, friends, lovers. And yet, despite that urge, I do think it would be nice to grow incredibly close to someone, to a collection of people, and then not go away. To not have things shift. To let the connection flourish. To get close to someone and stay close to them in the same way--maybe even to get closer!

I feel so lucky to have had so many wonderful people in my life, from so many different places, and I have this largely because I have bounced around, from Tampa to Pittsburgh to Tampa to C-U to Chicago to ?. And yet, with so many of those people, I wish they were just around more. I wish I saw them, talked to them, more often. But I'm busy, they're busy, and we don't. If I choose to settle somewhere, then maybe I won't be introducing as many new people into my life every couple of years (though of course, maybe I will, as people bounce into the place I've settled), but maybe the sustained and advancing depth of the relationships I do form will make up for it. Perhaps, rather than often being on the lookout for "new" friends, I need to divert more time to deepening (or diving back into) the friendships I've already got with the incredible people I already know. I wonder if I have the time. I wonder if they have the time.

I teach in 8 hours and see Dylan tomorrow night. I saw he did Tangled Up In Blue at an earlier show on this tour--keep your fingers crossed for me, not only that he plays it again, but also that I'm actually able to recognize it when he does.

"So now I'm going on back again,
I got to get to them somehow.
All the people we used to know
They're an illusion to me now.
Some are mathematicians
Some are truckdrivers' wives.
Don't know how that all got started,
Don't know what they're doin' with their lives.
But me I'm still on the road
Headin' for another joint
We always did feel the same,
We just saw it from a different point of view,
Tangled up in blue..."

growing up

I do not know if the world is any different, but my attitude towards it has certainly changed.

I'm wondering how I could have felt so depressed just a couple of weeks ago. That mindset seems so distant from me right now.

I hope I am doing the right thing by moving to Chicago next semester. It's only a semester, and I'll be back here every week, but I am going to miss certain people. This is how it usually is when I am planning to leave somewhere--I don't anticipate missing the place so much as I do the people. In this case, I do feel that I'm doing the right thing--I think I'll have some great opportunities in Chicago, and I do think it will shake me out of some bad work habits I've picked up over the years (though I am starting to break those now). Hopefully I will make some new friends, strengthen some current friendships, and maintain the ones I already have. Overall, though, I feel like going there is part of me growing up. And you know, I feel like that's what has happened to me in the past month--I've had to grow up a bit. I've had to get over myself a little (though maybe you wouldn't know it from the blog). I've had to take certain problems less seriously (were they even problems to begin with?). I've had to realize myself--who I am, where I want to be, what I need to do to get there.

Things don't seem so desperate, so urgent, right now. I don't have to do everything at once. I don't have to be everything I want to be immediately.

I wonder how many opportunities are missed because people just won't speak up.

good night.

re-oriented

The weekend was indeed wonderful. More wonderful than I'd imagined, actually.

I'm now back in C-U, getting geared up for what is going to be a busy six weeks ahead. I've got to keep up with reading, grade papers, finish the fellowship application, get the U. Chicago application in, find a place to live in Chicago, submit a paper for the Philosophy of Education Society conference (which won't get in, I bet, but I feel I have to try), write a Social Philosophy paper, read about 1000 pages, and write two papers, one on dialogue in religious education and another on philosophical conceptions of dialogue. It looks like a lot when I write it like that, but I think I've got a good plan for the next six weeks, and I think I can get everything done by December 15, which is my deadline, since I'm hoping to go home to Tampa from the 18th to January 2nd (U. Chicago winter quarter starts on January 3rd).

The past month has been disconcerting for me, and I think this past weekend was the full emergence from the disarray I've felt. I feel different somehow--not sure I can place exactly how, but definitely different. And ready to face the next year and a half--I feel I have a better sense of where I am now, where I'm headed, and who I am and want to be.

I'm exhausted. It's time for bed.

the race is on again

Off for what I think will be a wonderful weekend. I'll have more to say when I return, but right now I feel that I've got things under control and life feels right again, probably largely because I've become more realistic about what I can do and who I want to be.

Talk to you soon--hope you're well.

emergence

Large parts of the next two months will be spent climbing out of the huge hole I have dug for myself over the past year and a half.

I had a breakdown this past weekend, during which I felt worthless, hopeless, and meaningless, and basically everything else seemed this way, too. I felt like I couldn't do my life anymore.

After talking to a friend while I was doing my laundry and then breaking down a little more with my mom on the phone, and then spending time with a couple of friends at night, I started to feel better; and then I was out of town Sunday and Monday, which helped immensely. Now I'm back in C-U, and I'm feeling a little more centered, though not totally balanced yet.

As anyone who's been reading this knows, the past few weeks have been topsy-turvy for me. An emotional crisis triggered a sort of re-evaluation of my life, and I think it culminated (I hope this was the culmination) this past weekend. I realized that I was not happy with where my life was at.

Now part of this, I know, was due to the fact that I was feeling overwhelmed. I've let a lot of work pile up, and I was putting intense pressure on myself to get all that work done immediately, which wasn't possible. When I get in these overwhelmed moods, I tend to freeze, I tend to shut down--making it difficult to get anything done, which of course just makes me feel overwhelmed.

So part of what I have to do is just start getting things done. I have to start setting reasonable goals and accomplishing them and just finish up everything I've started over the past two years. If I can do that this semester, which I think I can, then I can go into next semester in great shape, with only my qualifying exams and my dissertation proposal to worry about. I'm excited about this, because I'm excited about the direction my dissertation is headed (my advisor approved of the general idea I outlined in one of my previous posts here, so it looks like I'm going to be able to write my dissertation on a topic that genuinely interests me). I'm also excited about this because I've decided to live in Chicago next semester and audit a class or two at U. of Chicago while focusing on all of the above. So next semester has the potential to be great for me, if I can just get caught up this semester.

The other part of what I have to do is be realistic about what my professional goals are. It is important to me that I enjoy my work, that I find it meaningful (not everyone feels like they have to find it meaningful, and I wonder if that's a problem), and it hit me this past weekend (while talking to my mom, who knows me better than anyone else) that I'm not all that interested in being primarily a scholar, a researcher. I think to be a scholar you have to love scholarly work for its own sake, and I'm not so sure I do. I like learning, reading, writing, when I feel like it's serving a purpose that's meaningful to me personally, but I don't like those things for their own sake. In other words, I don't like learning just to learn. I like learning when I know I'll be working with people in a way where I can apply that learning. For instance, I like learning when I know I'm going to be teaching about what I'm learning about. The key here, I think, is that it's so important to me to work with people. When I look back on the activities in my life in which I've felt the most alive, it tends to be those through which I was able to work with others--Student Life (when I was an RA), the Religious Studies Club at USF, and teaching. The upshot of all of this is that I think I'll need to focus my job search on professorial positions at liberal arts colleges or universities that aren't so research-oriented. I think I'd rather teach more every semester with less pressure to publish and present in academic outlets (and perhaps more freedom to publish in popular outlets) than teach less every semester but have more pressure to publish and present academically. This is just what I prefer, and what would make me happier.

And yet I feel like, for quite some time, I have been trying to live up to standards that other people have pushed on me--standards that I didn't necessarily want, but that I thought I should want. I thought I should try to be a big-name professor at a big-time university, because this seemed like as high as I could go in academia; but why aim for this if it isn't even what I want? Why not aim for something that I would love so that I would excel in it? I'd rather be an excellent professor at a liberal arts college than a mediocre professor at a research-oriented university.

I feel sort of liberated. I know what I have to do these last 2 months of the semester and I feel like I'm on track to be out of here by May 2008 and I think I'll be able to get the sort of job I want when I'm done. I've got to get back into the stream of life, because I think I've spent too much time lately in my own head, which means I haven't been focusing quite enough on friends, work, and the world. I want my life to feel right, where it just flows on a current of contentment, even as I pass through rapids from time to time.

Thank you, Brenbren, for your comments, and thank you everyone for your emails, calls, tea conversations, etc. Having supportive friends, who will stick with me even when I'm a bit withdrawn, has been such a help. I owe some people emails and calls, I know, and they are coming, I promise.

Finally, let me say this: I have realized that some of the distress I've felt the past few days, few weeks, is due to a sense of loss. Loss pains me more than anything else. The problem is, I often feel loss over things that I never actually had. I create these fantasies involving people and the future that don't have a basis in how things are or even in how I actually want things to be. I felt loss (and so felt incredibly sad) when I was talking to my mom and she was telling me that maybe I should just try to teach at a liberal arts college--this is where she could picture me. And I felt like I was giving up on something, a dream of being a big-name professor. But then I realized that I was giving up on a dream that was never really mine in the first place.

So what are my dreams?
What matters to me?
What do I really identify with?

I think if I can answer these questions, and organize my life around these answers, then I will be as fulfilled as I can be, or at least on the right track.

And you know what? I already know the answers. I have been spending so much time lately trying to "figure things out," but in fact I've known the answers all along. I've known what counts to me. It's just a matter of being honest with myself about all of this. It is just a matter of stilling myself to the point where the answers emerge.

a weight is lifted

It may be time to let go of trying to be extraordinary and just accept that I am who I am, and that might just be extraordinary enough.

After hitting an incredibly low point today, I think I've made some decisions, which I'll write about in the next few days, after I see if they're going to stick.

Thank you to everyone who's been there for me (through emails, phone, or just by reading this) over the past few weeks.

some truths

I feel disconnected from my past.

I don't always listen to people as well as I could.

I want to be totally at ease with another human being.

I can never finish work because I have horrible work habits.

I often think that I am a sham--some people for some reason think highly of me despite the fact that I've not completed anything of real significance.

I may not have the capabilities to do the only kinds of things that could give my life meaning.

All the worrying I do isn't worth much if I don't do anything with my life.

I fear that I will never live the kind of life I want to live.

Sometimes, when I think about all the things I could do with my life, nothing seems important enough to be worth doing.

I do not know what to do with my life.

I miss my father.

I expect too much out of people and situations and often end up disappointed.

I expect every moment to be extraordinary--I need every moment to be extraordinary for it to seem worthwhile--but life is not constantly extraordinary.

I do not feel like an adult.

I feel days slipping away from me now and I fear I am not living them well enough.

I worry that the only way to be truly content is to detach yourself from desire, but I do not have the courage to try this.

I am going to sleep.

work in progress

These waves of panic keep washing over me.

They're more like explosions that start in my stomach and then radiate through my body, unsettling and unfocusing me so that I just want to run and hide from everything I have to do because I feel like there's no way I can finish everything and make all the decisions I have to make at the same time.

But then the explosion radiates out of me, and things settle and refocus a bit, and I realize that of course I can't finish everything, not tonight, not in a week, not in two; but I've got far more time than this. I'm not sure where I got the idea that I have to finish everything and make all my decisions immediately. This makes everything seem much more urgent (and panic-inducing) than it really is.

The best thing I could do for myself right now is to limit my "time wasting" and just get more done. The only way I'll feel better about things is if I start to finish some things--if I'm at least working towards finishing some things. Granted, some of what I have to finish (like grading 90 papers) I just don't want to do; but I have to. But if I get caught up in the panic, I won't get anything done, and this'll just make the panic worse. But I'll feel better if I get 8 papers done today, and have 82 to do tomorrow instead of 90. It's not finishing, but I'd be better off than I am right now. Most of the things I have to do right now are long-term projects, and I've got to start seeing them that way.

These kids just came into Krannert, don't know from where, they seem to be guided by some college students and at least one adult...one of the younger ones turned and stared at me for a few moments as he was walking through the lobby, I saw him pointing as he was talking to his friend, and then he gave me a quick wave. I waved back. Sometimes the smallest things like this are enough to take you out of your head and put your problems, such as they are, in perspective. I'm going to have to start hiring kids to walk by me and wave every 30 minutes or so.

We are all always works in progress and we will never be complete.

spinning

My mind is spinning tonight. Maybe it's always spinning, maybe it's not just tonight.

A wonderful comment on my last post. Just today I have flip-flopped on the Harvard/Chicago decision about three times. I found out that, should I go to Chicago, I'd be able to TA for world religions next semester by driving down here one day a week to teach, which means that I'd have a lot more money every month and I'd gain more teaching experience. In Boston, I wouldn't be teaching, and I'd probably have to end up running more credit card debt in order to live comfortably and enjoy my time there. Though finances aren't the number one priority here, they're still a factor in the decision. But, as sarah d pointed out, it won't do me much good to be in Chicago if I'm drifting there. I need to have a solid academic reason to go there. What I need to do, in the next week or so, is determine whether there could be an academic reason. One of the religious studies professors (the one with whom I'd be working on the world religions course next term) just got his PhD from U. Chicago, and so I think he could set me up with people there and help me to get some kind of "visiting" status. Their Divinity School is considered the best place to study religion, generally, in the country, and they've got some great people there, so one option would be to go there and sit in on some of the world religions (or religion and society) courses taught by these "famous" people. This probably wouldn't directly apply to work in religion and education, but I'd learn quite a bit more about world religions, which is something I've been wanting to do. I have a feeling that, after talking to some people, the decision will be much easier to make, or at least the terms on which I have to make the decision will be much clearer.

I finished the dissertation narrative for the fellowship proposal today. I finished a draft of it, anyway. I've sent it off to my advisor to see what he thinks. The idea is similar to what we'd talked about before, but it's rooted in an entirely different philosophical framework (I'm not even sure I had a framework before). The idea I have, essentially, is this: Bergmann (who we've been reading in my social philosophy course, who's been so inspiring to me lately) proposes this conception of freedom that is based in people's experiences of being free. He claims that people feel most free when they are engaged in activities in which they come alive, feel a sort of harmony, feel most themselves. He uses the term "identification" to describe the experience; my professor uses the term "self-enactment." This means that we feel free when we are performing actions that enable us to realize an authentic sense of self. I think most of us have had experiences like this, where you get lost in your work or your creative endeavors, where you feel a sense of exuberance or vitality in what you're doing.

Bergmann says that this is what freedom is. I want to take this concept and apply it to the idea of religious freedom. We normally think of this as the ability to practice your religion without being hindered. However, under Bergmann's conception, religious freedom would come to mean practicing a religion (or, more generally, embracing a worldview, religious or not) that you can identify with, that fits for you. This is not the same thing as our traditional notion of religious freedom. Under the traditional notion, you could practice a religion without hindrance that in fact stifles you, keeps you from coming alive, doesn't seem to fit (maybe you do this because of family pressure or social convention). Under Bergmann's notion, you could experience religious freedom even if you were hindered in your practice as long as you were practicing a worldview that felt right, that gave you that sense of exuberance.

So if we accept and value this "new" understanding of religious freedom, then we would want to give people the opportunity to experience this. However, it would require that people have the opportunity to enter into a variety of worldviews--the only way to determine which worldview is self-enacting for a person would be for that person to try to live it, since with the living would come the experience. Yet most people are not exposed to a diversity of worldviews within their families or local communities, especially not in a "lived" or "livable" sense. They could, though, be exposed to these worldviews in the educational system.

I would propose, then, that we establish a sort of "worldview education" in schools that would seriously expose students to different ways of looking at the world with the goal of enabling them to determine which worldview(s) are most self-enacting. A world religions course would be one way of doing this, though it would be a very different kind of world religions course than those typically offered in high schools, colleges, and universities. The typical world religions course approaches the religions from a historical and social viewpoint, with the aim being to learn the key beliefs, rituals, myths, doctrine, and social arrangements of the religions. This "new" world religions course, with a goal of enabling religious freedom, or religious self-enactment, or worldview identification, would have to teach these key beliefs, rituals, etc., along the way, but it would focus on offering lived experiences of these worldviews to the students. The method would involve leading students to "pass over" into different worldviews to see if elements of that view were self-enacting. Students would be encouraged to construct a worldview that seemed to fit for them, with the understanding that what fits for them could change over time.

The end product of my dissertation, then, would be a curriculum for this kind of world religions course (or worldview course) that could be shopped around to various educational administrations in the hopes of having it implemented in policy. Future work would involve observations of these sorts of courses to see how they play out, so that we could determine both what works best in terms of pedagogy and what impact the courses tend to have on students.

That's my idea. Does it make sense? In the dissertation, I'd have to do a lot of work to justify Bergmann's conception of freedom over others, to make a convincing argument that we should value this new conception of religious freedom, and to make the case that a course (or set of courses) in which students reflected on their worldviews, possibly modifying them, would not in fact violate the more traditional sense of religious freedom, which is seen as being protected by the First Amendment (which says in part that Congress shall pass no law establishing religion or prohibiting the free exercise of religion). However, I think I could do all of this, and my hope in actually proposing a curriculum for a worldview course would be that I could show that my theoretical argument for the value of my conception of religious freedom could actually be turned into a concrete educational practice.

We'll see what my advisor thinks.

inertia

Another too late night with too little work done, or so it seems, and I wonder if I have the fortitude to break my bad habits. I see them so clearly but I continue to do them and I can't really explain why I do them except that it's easier to continue to do what I normally do than to do something new. Behavioral inertia. Psychological inertia. When I say "bad habits," I mean just habits that are keeping me from doing things that would bring me deeper fulfillment. Keeping me from doing things that I supposedly highly value.

But I wonder: if one really highly values something, then wouldn't she be moved to act on it? I might say I value social justice, or teaching about religion, or guiding people in their processes of meaning making and worldview formation (and I would say I value all of these things), but if I valued them deeply, wouldn't I want to spend more time working to alleviate injustice, working to develop innovative and effective teaching methods with religion, and working to understand the process of meaning making? Why is it so difficult to focus on the things that I deeply value?

I think the answer is (at least partially) that these are such abstract things to value that there's no single concrete thing I can do to "work on them." There are little things I could do that would be part of working towards them, but I think it's difficult to be motivated when it's hard to connect what you're doing directly to your goal. Oh, so if I read this 500-page book then I'll be able to write more effectively about some small aspect of meaning making? I have a tendency not to want to do things that are "small." But, of course, the kind of goals I have, the kind of projects that I think will bring me lasting fulfillment throughout my life, are huge. I will never fully achieve them. I will always be working towards them.

Inertia works both ways though--harder to start, but it's also harder to stop.

And then there's friendship. I was reading some class notes tonight discussing Nietzsche and Bergmann, and they included the point that to be self-perfected (or self-enacted), you have to have a supportive social environment. That culture and society matter greatly in supporting the achievement of a free self. Part of this is having supportive friends. But the notes said that some people don't choose their friends very well, largely because they have a misguided notion of friendship. Differing notions of friendship are things I don't know much about, but I've always been interested in finding out more, especially because of the connection of friendship to love, which has always intrigued me personally--how the hell can we understand how the different kinds of love work? What are we actually talking about when we talk about love? Are there ways to foster truly loving relationships--is it not as mysterious as we sometimes make it out to be? The best friendships are, I think, a form of love--not an "in love," really--but love nonetheless.

But what are ideal friendships? Does this differ from person to person? For me, the best friendships I have are characterized by a sort of ease, a free flow. Things just work. And they work in part because of a certain level of safety in the relationship. By this, I mean that, with my best friends, I know that they're going to stay my friends no matter what I do (within reason). And this gives me a sort of license to be myself, to act freely, without having to monitor what I say or do through their perspectives. This isn't to say that I don't think about their perspectives, but just that I don't have to watch what I'm saying or watch what I'm doing. I can be myself. This means that, around my closest friends, I act pretty much the same way. I'll act similarly with my best friends in Tampa as I will with my best friends here as I will with my best friends from college, etc. But I will sometimes act differently with people who are only acquiantances or more superficial friends--there's a level of diplomacy or censoring with these people that I don't have with my best friends. There's also often a level of politeness there that isn't there with my best friends. Because with that safety in the relationship comes the security to challenge. I can "call my friends out" (and they can call me out) in a way that I would not be comfortable doing with an acquaintance. This might seem odd, because you have less to lose with an acquaintance than with a friend (you barely know the acquaintance and they're not as important to you); but in fact you have far more to lose with an acquaintance, because there's no safety in the relationship (such as it is with an acquaintance). With your best friends, there's not much to lose at all, since you know you can challenge them and the friendship will sustain.

How do I pick my friends? I have absolutely no idea. When I survey my friends, I can see few obvious connections between them. There's no "type" here. But maybe there is, actually. Because I think what characterizes those with whom I'm the closest is a passionate vitality. A drive to do something extraordinary. To live extraordinarily. This is probably key for me. But I know some people who are trying to do extraordinary things with whom I'm not best friends. So it must be more than that. Sense of humor is important. Thoughtfulness helps. But of course these traits describe plenty of people, too. And it's not as if all my friends have exactly the same combination of characteristics. So it gets mysterious. And I think to figure out how I pick my friends would be difficult enough; but then imagine also having to figure out how my friends pick me. Friendships are two-way streets, after all, so you've got to be drawn to them and they've got to be drawn to you.

I'm leaning more tonight towards going to Harvard. Some conversations with people tonight pushed me in that direction, though earlier today I would've said I was leaning towards Chicago. The fact is that I want to go to Chicago for social reasons and I want to go to Boston for academic/career reasons. So I've got a viable set of reasons for going to each place. Do I have to choose what's most important to me? Friends or career? Of course, it's not as harsh as this. Because my friends would be here when I got back from Boston; it's not as if going away for 4 months will bring the end of my most important friendships here. It's not even as if it will stunt those friendships, because some of my best friendships have developed greatly when I wasn't in the same place as my friends. Plus, my friends could visit me; I could visit here; and I'd have the chance to develop stronger friendships with people I know in the Northeast (friends in New York, for instance, from whom I wouldn't be that far) and perhaps even make some new friends. If I go to Boston, there's a pretty clear plan: work with the program at Harvard, sit in on classes, meet with the students in the program, etc. I'd also have a special status and a direct connection (with the director of the program) who could furnish me with a letter of recommendation at some point. I don't have a plan for Chicago right now, and I'm afraid I'd be a bit aimless if I went there (though I probably need to do some more looking into what the options there would be).

My right eyelid has been twitching a little lately. I wonder if anyone's noticing. And I wonder why it's happening. Quitting smoking? Too much caffeine? Not enough caffeine? The beginning of a massive facial tic?

I think inertia is a fact of life, but I want to establish it with some habits that will fulfill me, and this means fighting it for now--slowing my habits, stopping--before I can get moving again.

sense of peace

I feel a sense of peace at my center, and it's unsettling because I'm not used to it quite yet. I have some sort of plans for every weekend from now until the first weekend of December, and I'm hoping that this will allow me to work extra hard during the week. I'm going to try to finish two papers, one proposal which is also a paper, two annotated bibliographies, and a fellowship proposal by November 1. I then have another paper draft due a week after that. I've decided that it may be impossible to do all of this in that amount of time, but I'm going to give it a try. We'll see how much I can get done when I have concrete goals and a concrete deadline.

Some of you have said that you like the writing here, and that means so much to me. More than you'd probably think. I would love (LOVE) to write essays for magazines or literary journals (the kind of things you'd see in Best American Essays), and I see some of this as practice towards that goal. I've got a ways to go--I think there are elements of my personality that don't come across here (like humor, for instance), and I think I need to do a better job of connecting my personal stories to feelings or situations that would resonate with a number of people. The best kinds of essays, I think, are the ones that richly describe some local or personal situation in such a way that the reader can entirely identify with it or feel deeply moved by it. This takes a lot of work, and I wonder if I'm capable of doing it. I may not have the knack. But I'd like to try.

I am so happy to be alive right now, and I hope this feeling maintains for a while.

quick thoughts

Here are some quick thoughts I'm having as I'm taking a break from reading. I hope to post something longer tonight. I. bet. you. can't. wait.

Kopi is not a good place to read because it's just too damn dark in here. It's also not a good place to study if you're a little sleepy for just the same reason. Aroma is incredibly bright--a great place to read--but it feels more cramped to me, and the atmosphere isn't as relaxed there. Also, I don't think it has character like Kopi does. This is all making me think that I need to find a new place to study, at least if I want to read or write seriously. Maybe...the library? The library's depressing to me for some reason, maybe because it's a room full of people who don't seem to be having any fun. They don't even seem to be enjoying what they're studying. But it's probably the best place for me to get real work done. I might try working in the apartment, but I sometimes find that difficult, perhaps because I see home as a place to relax, not as a place to work. I don't want to bring my worlds crashing together. There'a also my office, of course, but that seems so isolating to me. I think I either need to start using the library more or find a way to get work done at home.

That wasn't that quick, was it?

I wish I had a group of friends who all knew each other that stretched back a number of years.

I wish I had a community here.

But you know what? I'm pretty happy with what I have, and I've come to appreciate it. I also realize that most of the things that "I wish were different" are things that I could do something about. If I really wanted a community, then I could get more involved in a community, even if it took some work. It'd probably help to settle in somewhere--when you leave somewhere every few years, it's going to be hard to form a lasting community or to become part of one.

I must like flitting from place to place every so often, making friends here and there--it's been a nice way to get to know a lot of people, even if it has kept me from a consistent community.

I need a balance, of course. Just like in everything. Working on it. Maybe I need to stay here next year. But of course, just because I stay doesn't mean that other people are going to stay. That's the thing about being a student--people (you, others) are always coming and going.

There are two people sitting near me in Kopi. The guy works at ER in Urbana, the girl I see around at various coffee places. I've actually spoken to the guy once, at ER, when I was wearing my Arizona shirt, and he said that his sister went to Arizona. I'd said I was just there, wasn't it nice, and that was about it. Both of these people seem pretty damn cool.

This supercool group of five, three guys and two girls, just walked by Kopi. I'm sitting by the window. I see the world from the window. They were on their way to somewhere. They were an attractive bunch.

I would like to try to write a poem, but I don't know if I have it in me. I mean, I know I have it in me to write something cliched and crappy, but I'd like to write something kind of poignant. Maybe I'll be inspired.

I was a little sleepy before but I think this tea is waking me up.

I am looking forward to the coming weeks. They will be hectic. And I have a lot to figure out. Harvard? Chicago? Here? It's nice to be able to make this decision, but I don't want to make it on a whim.

It would make me sad, but it'd do me good to be by myself for a while, I think. I mean to go somewhere new but exciting, where I maybe know one or two people, but where I have to make my way on my own anew.

Or maybe it'd do me some good to really strengthen my friendships here.

Maybe they'd both be good.

bye for now.

settling in

When you're always leaving always pushing away you can never settle in.
But life seems more exciting when you're always on the move.
But why does this seem better? It's not. It's not! Life on the move isn't necessarily any better than life in one place--it's all arbitrary, all what's better for you. Think of people who spend their entire lives in a small town, only occasionally traveling away from it. Think of the depth of the connections they have with a place, with a group of people--the type of support and love that's there. Why is this worse than the life of a person who changes locations every three or four years, always making new friends while keeping certain old ones along the way, even if this means that the number of friends builds up to the point where it's hard to keep in touch with any of them very effectively? I think it's just what's better for you.

And maybe it's better for me to be a mover. This has been the pattern of my life for nine years now, ever since I started college. Spend my 4 years in Pittsburgh, spend my 3 years in Tampa, spend my 2 and a half years here...and now I'm thinking of leaving for a semester, coming back for the summer, and then leaving for a fourth year. I suppose this is partially the result of a student lifestyle, where you're naturally going to move every few years as you move degree programs. But maybe it would do me some good just to stay here. To let myself settle in a little bit more. To not spend my time here in the anticipation of leaving. I wonder if sometimes I like the attention that talking about leaving brings with it. And I wonder if sometimes I like that it makes the moments you spend with people seem more precious, because the clock is ticking--you don't have much time left!

Of course, I'll settle down at some point, once I get a job I like. I may end up settling somewhere for quite some time, in fact, so maybe I better move while I still can. And it's that feeling that makes it seem like I need to go somewhere in the spring, just because I can. When will I have this sort of opportunity again? And my friends will be here when I get back (and they'll be there with me, in a sense).

It was another meaningful day--

stepping it up

I'm in ER. These are my "office hours," but guess what? Nobody's here. And they even have a paper due a week from today! I have a feeling most people are waiting until this weekend to start, which means I should have a nice flurry of questions to respond to when I return from WI on Sunday.

I just talked to this guy who was at a breakfast I went to this morning...the breakfast was for Dr. Mark Siegler, who is a bioethicist at the University of Chicago. He's giving a lecture this afternoon about bioethical challenges facing the 21st century, so they're parading him around campus so he can meet students, faculty, etc. He was actually pretty great--clearly knows so much about this field, but then was able to talk about it in a way that was very accessible to a "layperson." The breakfast could've been more of a discussion than it was--it tended to be dominated by the graduate students who were there--but I still enjoyed it.

Taught this afternoon. Didn't go as well as I would've hoped. I had grand plans and then caved because I didn't think I had enough time to do what I really wanted to do. It went okay, but I didn't get that rush. Sometimes I feel constrained with how the world religions course is done here--I would do things so differently, and I think the students would get so much more out of it!

I'm tired today, because I didn't sleep much last night, because I went to Chicago for a concert. The concert was moving at points, just plain fun at others, and being in the city last night really made me want to move to Chicago for a few months. There's just an energy there that I don't find here so much. I think it's partially in my head, and things might seem less thrilling there after I'd been there for a while, but still: a few months in Chicago would certainly not be a bad thing (and I'd be much closer to C-U and my friends here than if I went to Boston).

From now until November 1, I'm going to be insanely busy with work, but I also think I have enough "fun" events planned where I'll feel in balance. I can work hard during the week and then relax on the weekends. Per a friend's advice, I'm going to come up with a work plan for the next few weeks where I set goals for each day based on certain deadlines I need to meet. I think my goals will have to be lofty, if I'm going to get everything done, but I think I can do it, even if it means late nights in the library and slightly more tired days--maybe I'll work as hard as I used to as an undergraduate! Imagine. I sometimes think if I worked as hard as I did then, or if I studied as much as I see law and med students studying, I would get incredible amounts of work done, and know so much more than I do now. I'm not saying I want to work quite that hard, but I think I could afford to step it up a little bit.

Not much else to say right now. I feel content, if a little tired, and life seems fulfilling.

serenity now

Saw The Science of Sleep tonight. It didn't strike me quite as deeply as Eternal Sunshine, but I still found it moving, and I feel like I'd need to see it again to understand more of what was going on.

Today was another meaningful day for me. I've realized that I can saturate my days with meaning simply by spending time on activities that I find meaningful. Go figure. Today, after the world religions lecture and TA meeting (which was meaningful because we were discussing teaching issues), I met a friend for lunch, which was wonderful. I hadn't seen this person in a while, we had a great conversation, and I felt inspired and supported afterwards--I really have met some amazing people here, and while I sometimes wish that I had more of a "group," the one-on-one connections I've made with certain people run as deep as I could hope.

After lunch, I spent the afternoon at ER (as I mentioned in my earlier post)--I got quite a bit done, and decided I need to try to apply for this one dissertation fellowship, even though it's going to be a lot of work, and a long shot, since I'm not quite at the dissertation proposal stage. But I feel like I need to try, and I'm thinking it will motivate me to work a little harder this next month--it'll be a concrete goal that will require me to complete a lot of the other things that have been hanging over my head the past few weeks, months. Even if I don't get the thing, I'll still feel accomplished. And imagine if I do! I'd be set next year!

After ER, I worked out, ate dinner, saw the movie, went to Kopi with the moviegoers, supposedly to work but as it turned out we mostly talked, and then home.

I felt content today--really content. Not overly happy, not overjoyed, but content. Like I know I'm doing the right thing for myself, like I've figured something out. It's a sort of serenity. I can handle what's coming, even if things get busy.