I hope that I can finally get my shit together this semester. After planning and planning and making list upon list and finally knowing beyond a doubt the kinds of things I need to do in my life, it's time to do them. I hope I have the willpower. I hope I can fight the addictions I have to bad habits that pull me away from my goals. I hope people know how much I appreciate them even though I am not always the greatest friend.
A young girl just walked into Starbucks wearing purple Crocs. Why that brightens my day, I don't know.
During the holiday season, I always get peppermint mocha frappuccinos (two ps, two cs, that's hard to remember), but today, today, they only had the light frappuccino mix. I said, yeah, that's fine. And guess what. It tastes almost exactly the same. Think of all those wasted calories over the years! Think of the athletic career I've missed!
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Monday, January 01, 2007
happy new year
I am sitting in a Starbucks in Lithia (at least one of you knows it well), in what was once a usual spot for me here: a sort of alleyway in the back of the store, with a few tables, removed from the "lobby" area of the store. I used to come here a lot to write papers. There's a back entrance to this Starbucks, near the alley, so I'd always pop out for smoke breaks while I was putting in all-dayers here, working on papers. I liked sitting here because you're near people but it's not so distracting, since you're removed from that lobby area. This is some odd quirk I have with studying, reading, writing, working...I like to have people around me, but not in such a way that they'd distract me. And not only do I like to have people around me, but I like them to be active in some way. So I don't like the library so much, because, while people are around, they're not very active. Coffeeshops, however, are usually too distracting, because you're right in the middle of people talking.
Is this really what's on my mind in this new year? No, not really.
Break has been great this year. Better than usual, I think. I've spent more time at home, which has been nice, and relaxing. I often spend my breaks running around feeling pressured to see everybody and I never actually sit around. And you know what? Sometimes just sitting around with my mom and my sister, at home, is nice!
I can't remember what C-U is like right now. I've only been gone two weeks, but I feel distant from that place. I've been told that I say this a lot, and that's probably true--I certainly think it a lot--but I know some truly amazing people. A lot of them. From all different "phases" of my life. I am lucky. I wish, I wish, I wish that all of these people were nearer to me. Physically nearer. I mean, if I could bring together the amazing people I knew in high school, and in college, and at USF, and in Tampa, and in C-U, and we could all live in the same place...wow. I'd be so thrilled. Life wouldn't be more perfect. My contentment is so connected to my community. To my friends, more specifically. And the hardest thing about coming home is seeing some of these people and realizing that I'll see them, if I'm lucky, twice a year. This has been my life, though--about every three or four years since I started going to school, I've shifted. Moved from Michigan before 5th grade, went to school with one group till 8th, another group from 9th to 12th, another group in college, another group at USF, another group at C-U. I have made great friends, but they're all scattered.
I have been inspired by talking to certain people these past couple of weeks. I think we need to try to start some kind of revolution. Seriously. Things need to change. Society needs to change. If we value human dignity, if we value human life, things cannot stay the way they are. I think a number of people that I know (most of my friends, if not all of them) realize this. We all know things are not right. And we kind of want to do something about it, and maybe we try in our own little ways, but I feel that our attempts have a hint of resignation about them. We know we're not going to make that much of a difference, really. This has been the sadness of this past year for me, realizing that I may not be able to make as much of a difference as I once thought I might.
But. If we were all to get together and actually come up with a plan, a vision, a sort of movement. If we could figure out how to convince people our age that things are not right, and throw out some different ideas for change, and come up with a sort of plan, I think that we could do something.
Because here's the thing: it's either we try to change things or we move to a better society. I just don't think we can accept things the way they are. I would like to devote myself to change, and I know it would help if I felt like others were in it with me. So I'll be talking about this more, I hope. I'll be wanting to know what you think. I don't even know if we can make a huge difference, but I do think we have to try. We absolutely must.
I know this is vague, of course. "Things" are not right. We need to "come up with a plan." And I'll try to elaborate this more later, but I think you know the sorts of things I'm talking about.
The trick, for me, this year, will be to try to believe that I can make a difference without putting huge amounts of pressure on myself and rendering myself useless. There is a balance here, and I'm getting the hang of it, I think. I feel more stable, generally, now than I have in a while, but it's easy to feel stable when I'm at home. When there's not a lot of pressure. So let's see what happens in two weeks, when I get back to C-U. This semester shouldn't be too bad.
And there's relationships. Do I want to fall in love? Of course I do. Of course. Who doesn't?
But when it's right, I will know it, and it will happen. And I am resolved not to worry about this, and not to talk about my "relationship problems" so much, and not to make more out of these things than I should. There are more important things for me, I think. Or at least things that are just as important that I can actually do something about. I've had good relationships, but I know that my dearest friendships have been just as good (maybe sometimes better) than my relationships, and I think that's enough for me right now.
Is this really what's on my mind in this new year? No, not really.
Break has been great this year. Better than usual, I think. I've spent more time at home, which has been nice, and relaxing. I often spend my breaks running around feeling pressured to see everybody and I never actually sit around. And you know what? Sometimes just sitting around with my mom and my sister, at home, is nice!
I can't remember what C-U is like right now. I've only been gone two weeks, but I feel distant from that place. I've been told that I say this a lot, and that's probably true--I certainly think it a lot--but I know some truly amazing people. A lot of them. From all different "phases" of my life. I am lucky. I wish, I wish, I wish that all of these people were nearer to me. Physically nearer. I mean, if I could bring together the amazing people I knew in high school, and in college, and at USF, and in Tampa, and in C-U, and we could all live in the same place...wow. I'd be so thrilled. Life wouldn't be more perfect. My contentment is so connected to my community. To my friends, more specifically. And the hardest thing about coming home is seeing some of these people and realizing that I'll see them, if I'm lucky, twice a year. This has been my life, though--about every three or four years since I started going to school, I've shifted. Moved from Michigan before 5th grade, went to school with one group till 8th, another group from 9th to 12th, another group in college, another group at USF, another group at C-U. I have made great friends, but they're all scattered.
I have been inspired by talking to certain people these past couple of weeks. I think we need to try to start some kind of revolution. Seriously. Things need to change. Society needs to change. If we value human dignity, if we value human life, things cannot stay the way they are. I think a number of people that I know (most of my friends, if not all of them) realize this. We all know things are not right. And we kind of want to do something about it, and maybe we try in our own little ways, but I feel that our attempts have a hint of resignation about them. We know we're not going to make that much of a difference, really. This has been the sadness of this past year for me, realizing that I may not be able to make as much of a difference as I once thought I might.
But. If we were all to get together and actually come up with a plan, a vision, a sort of movement. If we could figure out how to convince people our age that things are not right, and throw out some different ideas for change, and come up with a sort of plan, I think that we could do something.
Because here's the thing: it's either we try to change things or we move to a better society. I just don't think we can accept things the way they are. I would like to devote myself to change, and I know it would help if I felt like others were in it with me. So I'll be talking about this more, I hope. I'll be wanting to know what you think. I don't even know if we can make a huge difference, but I do think we have to try. We absolutely must.
I know this is vague, of course. "Things" are not right. We need to "come up with a plan." And I'll try to elaborate this more later, but I think you know the sorts of things I'm talking about.
The trick, for me, this year, will be to try to believe that I can make a difference without putting huge amounts of pressure on myself and rendering myself useless. There is a balance here, and I'm getting the hang of it, I think. I feel more stable, generally, now than I have in a while, but it's easy to feel stable when I'm at home. When there's not a lot of pressure. So let's see what happens in two weeks, when I get back to C-U. This semester shouldn't be too bad.
And there's relationships. Do I want to fall in love? Of course I do. Of course. Who doesn't?
But when it's right, I will know it, and it will happen. And I am resolved not to worry about this, and not to talk about my "relationship problems" so much, and not to make more out of these things than I should. There are more important things for me, I think. Or at least things that are just as important that I can actually do something about. I've had good relationships, but I know that my dearest friendships have been just as good (maybe sometimes better) than my relationships, and I think that's enough for me right now.
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