warm glow

I'm at a bookstore in Savoy. I should be working on about five other things, but I'd rather write a blog post. Though there are times when I need to force myself to work, I think most of the time I should do what I'm in the mood to do, because otherwise I end up getting nothing done--I try to make myself do work, but I can't focus, because I'm not in the mood, which just makes me feel bad and then I get absolutely nothing done anyway. At least now I'm writing.

I so badly want to quit smoking, but damn it I've having a hard time. I've only been having a few a day, really, which I suppose isn't awful, but I know I just need to stop entirely. I've done it for a few weeks, here and there, in the past, but I always come back to it when there's a lot of work to do, or when it's a sharply cold winter night, or after a concert, or on a drive, or in any of these situations where I'm used to having a cigarette. Where it seems like the thing to do. Where it seems satisfying. But I can't keep it at just a few a day. So I need to stop entirely.

I have (at least temporarily) slipped into a groove in my life. The needle's running around side two, smoothly. There are a few scratches along the way, but nothing so bad that it throws the needle out of the groove entirely.

I wish I had all my dearest friends in one place. I wish I was near them, or they were near me. Maybe within 2 hours. That'd be nice. As fun as it can be to go visit friends who are spread out around the country (around the world, even), it's so much better when they're with you, when they can be a part of your day-to-day, when you have that intangible sense of just knowing somebody because you spend so much time with them in so many different sorts of situation. This can't be manufactured: I think it only comes from lots of conversations, lots of time together. I associate this feeling with love--when you slip into a groove with somebody.

Is love endless fascination with another person? One of my friends thinks so, and though my initial response was, "Well, you can't be fascinated with somebody endlessly! What about when you do mundane things together? If you expect endless fascination, then you'll always be disappointed!" I've been thinking about it, and I know what my friend means. I think of it as being dazzled by someone. You just think, wow, I am so lucky to know this person, and I am so stunned that they even exist. You don't feel this every single second you're with them, but when you stop, and look at them--really look at them--the feeling emerges, unbidden. I think this is what "in love" is like, and I think "true love" is sort of a mix of this feeling and a best friendship. No, no, that's not right. Because I get that from my friends sometimes and we're not what you'd call in love. So I don't know right now.

I do know that I've thought, on and off, about the differences between "in love," "love," and "true love" for quite some time. It's fun for me to think about all of this, though I know that, when it comes right down to it, thinking about it doesn't contribute at all to feeling it. You just fall in love with certain people, you just love certain others, and you hit true love with a select few. You just do. It just happens, whether you can describe it or analyze it or not. And, in fact, I think sometimes describing it and analyzing it stunts the feelings--let's not try to make something rational that's just not. Why should it be? That all being said, when I look back at people who I've felt all those types of love for, I realize that for me...

In love is a spark. An explosion of feeling for another person. It can happen quickly.

Love is a glow. There's a warm glow of feeling there for another person, but it takes time to develop.

True love is the glow punctuated with sparks. Most of the time you know you love the person and every so often you get the explosion, and you feel so deeply in love with them, too.

You can't make any of these things happen, but I think you might be able to keep them from happening, by overly rationalizing feelings, by not putting in the time needed for love to develop (not necessarily by choice, maybe by circumstance)...

They're such a huge part of what makes life rich for many people (including me), though sometimes they can send you into such turmoil, usually when the feelings aren't reciprocated. Emotionally, one of the worst things is being in love with somebody who's not in love with you. Interestingly, I don't think you can love someone who doesn't love you, though, because I think for the glow to develop there has to be a mutuality of feeling. You'll never even get to love if both people don't feel the same way. You'll stall out at acquintances.

I think people fall in and out of love rather easily (mainly because most people fall in love without really knowing somebody that well, and then they find things out that make them climb right out of love). But I think love is different. Once the glow is there, it tends not to go away, unless you let the friendship languish for so long, without ever reheating it, and the glow just fades away. Depending on how strong the glow was in the first place, this can take a long time to happen. I think of friends I love, and I realize that (with some) I could literally not have any contact with them for a couple years, and yet still love them. There's probably a limit there--it's hard to imagine still loving someone (except maybe in a nostalgic way) if I didn't talk to them for 10 years. The glow would almost certainly fade. But, generally, once the glow is there, I think it's rather effortless to sustain it. You don't have to try anymore.

Who have you been in love with?
Who do you love?
Do you think you've felt true love?

Would you even think about them in the way I just described, looking back on times when you would say you felt these things?

There's more to say, but it's time to go, I think. But quickly:

I've realized I don't feel the same need to get out of here that I did a few weeks back. Maybe because I'm more settled with work, life? I think I will still shoot for Chicago, but now it wouldn't bother me at all if it didn't work out--the secret to happiness is not there, the secret is in me, and can be anywhere.

And, are there things you want to change about yourself? I'd like to be more outgoing, thoughtful, compassionate, open, fun, blah blah--take your pick, right? Well I'm wondering if the key to changing yourself is just to act differently. If you want to be more open, then just act more open. If you want to be more outgoing, then just act more outgoing. I think we largely determine our personality traits (describe yourself using five adjectives) based on our actions--why do you think you're X? Because you've acted X-ly. Not because you Are a certain way (though you might be genetically or socially dispositioned in certain ways).

Enjoy your weekend.

lull

Being alone can be quite romantic, I think, but being with someone else can be more so, as long as you're not wanting things from that person that s/he could never be expected to give. I have long struggled with seeing people for what they are, and not for what I wish they would be.

This is one of my favorite songs, ever:

being alone it can be quite romantic
like jacques cousteau underneath the atlantic
a fantastic voyage to parts unknown
going to depths where the sun’s never shone
and i fascinate myself when i’m alone

so i go a little overboard but hang on to the hull
while i’m airbrushing fantasy art on a life
that’s really kind of dull
oh, i’m in a lull

i’m all for moderation but sometimes it seems
moderation itself can be a kind of extreme
so i joined the congregation
i joined the softball team
i went in for my confirmation
where incense looks like steam
i start conjugating proverbs
where once there were nouns
this whole damn rhyme scheme’s starting to get me down

oh, i’m in a lull
i’m in a lull

being alone it can be quite romantic
like jacques cousteau underneath the atlantic
a fantastic voyage to parts unknown
going to depths where the sun’s never shone
and i fascinate myself when i’m alone

i’m rambling on rather self consciously
while i’m stirring these condiments into my tea
and i think i’m so lame
i bet i think this song’s about me
don’t i don’t i don’t i ?

i’m in a lull
--andrew bird, "lull"

the comfort of family

Sitting in a hotel room in Spokane.

It was a nice weekend, overall. Kept up with grading, saw Borat, gave a presentation with two friends to two people that went surprisingly well (helpful comments, possible lead on a publication), talked to some recently-hired professors who had some insight into what it's really like to be a professor at a research university...and best of all, saw my cousin and her daughter. I miss being near family. There's a comfort there that it's hard to find anywhere else--my cousin, after all, has known me my entire life.

I feel incredibly peaceful right now. Content. Level.

More when I get back to C-U tomorrow.