Saturday, November 25, 2006
giovanni i
"Love him," said Jacques, with vehemence, "love him and let him love you. Do you think anything else under heaven really matters? And how long, at the best, can it last? since you are both men and still have everywhere to go? Only five minutes, I assure you, only five minutes, and most of that, helas! in the dark. And if you think of them as dirty, then they will be dirty--they will be dirty because you will be giving nothing, you will be despising your flesh and his. But you can make your time together anything but dirty; you can give each other something which will make both of you better--forever--if you will not be ashamed, if you will only not play it safe." He paused, watching me, and then looked down to his cognac. "You play it safe long enough," he said, in a different tone, "and you'll end up trapped in your own dirty body, forever and forever and forever--like me."
scattershot
Made it to Chicago, now in the coffeeshop. Four hours ago, I was sitting in the Tampa airport. Oh, modern transportation, thank you.
This place is a trip. There's "art" all over the walls--one is a speech bubble that says, "Really now, how long can you tolerate the same genetalia?" Isn't it genitalia? And somebody just yelled out, "Jeff!" in that, hey, I'm here, you missed me, kind of way. He wasn't calling for me.
I feel like I'm coming apart, but I think is just because I'm sick and a bit dazed from being in three different places in the past six days. How about some stability? No, next weekend I'm leaving again and then two weeks later I'm driving back to Florida.
In case I've forgotten how unoriginal I am, there's a guy sitting over by the window wearing the same red track jacket that I got from American Apparel maybe a month or so ago. Cool is calculated. And that really isn't cool at all.
What are the universal human concerns, the universal human emotions?
I wonder if sometimes philosophers who prescribe ideal forms of life are only trying to justify the fact that they're so different, and probably lonely. Like: hey, I may be lonely, but at least I'm living life better than those idiots.
I have a great difficulty feeling moved by anything. I don't think I have many genuine emotions. What does this mean, what does this mean: of course I have emotions. But I feel like I'm playing at them. Like I rarely feel anything that comes from my core. I saw a friend last night, an old friend, who I've known for a few years, and she seemed genuinely delighted to see me. She actually ran up to me, smiling, hugging...and I was touched. I was of course happy to see her but I was also wondering when was the last time I was that delighted to see somebody? I mean really just thrilled?
I think overanalyzing emotions deadens them. Or maybe it's better to say that it distances someone from his emotions. You can't take them seriously anymore. They become the result of social conditions, or biological conditions, and you don't own them anymore. They don't--they can't--come from your heart, because you don't believe in such things anyway. Heart? Soul? What?
I wonder if it's possible to live a fulfilled life if you don't believe in something Higher than you, whether a Being, a Cause, a Purpose, an End. Maybe even if nothing is truly Highest, we all have to believe in something Higher. If we're going to be deeply happy, anyway.
Have you read Franney and Zooey? Oh, you should. A friend gave it to me, actually saying she'd thought I'd like it--does somebody really know me well enough to recommend something to me that I'd actually like? Apparently, yes, because I did like it. Franney discovers spirituality, it makes everything seem like bullshit, and she is sent home from college, distraught. Her brother, Zooey, talks with her about this, at first pushing that even the spirituality is bullshit, but then helping her to see that everyone's divine, really. There's more to it than this, and I should read it again, but the characters think and talk about a lot of the same things that have been on my mind for years, and this was written 50 years ago, you know...
...and I think that there are no answers, but you just have to choose a path with conviction. However, I think we live at a time where true conviction is hard to hold without a bit of delusion, because you know that you're just choosing it, but you have to delude yourself into thinking that you're not, so that it doesn't seem so arbitrary. But I would think that there are practical convictions we could all agree on, that don't rely on spiritual truths or grand visions of the world: people should have a chance to live fulfilling lives, and we should try to provide the conditions to make that possible, which means (fundamentally) that basic needs be met and (secondarily) that institutions be established (or modified) to cultivate fulfillment rather than obstruct its attainment. Simple as that. We disagree, of course, on what fulfillment means (I think this is the real problem), but are there conditions we can set up that would give everyone a chance to figure out what it means for themselves? I bet we could, but I also bet that to do this would require sweeping social change, and I am afraid that this kind of change is not possible anymore.
Remember when we crossed the campus
And you said it was too cold
But I insisted we keep walking
At least to that building
And you did
Well I have nearly forgotten
This place is a trip. There's "art" all over the walls--one is a speech bubble that says, "Really now, how long can you tolerate the same genetalia?" Isn't it genitalia? And somebody just yelled out, "Jeff!" in that, hey, I'm here, you missed me, kind of way. He wasn't calling for me.
I feel like I'm coming apart, but I think is just because I'm sick and a bit dazed from being in three different places in the past six days. How about some stability? No, next weekend I'm leaving again and then two weeks later I'm driving back to Florida.
In case I've forgotten how unoriginal I am, there's a guy sitting over by the window wearing the same red track jacket that I got from American Apparel maybe a month or so ago. Cool is calculated. And that really isn't cool at all.
What are the universal human concerns, the universal human emotions?
I wonder if sometimes philosophers who prescribe ideal forms of life are only trying to justify the fact that they're so different, and probably lonely. Like: hey, I may be lonely, but at least I'm living life better than those idiots.
I have a great difficulty feeling moved by anything. I don't think I have many genuine emotions. What does this mean, what does this mean: of course I have emotions. But I feel like I'm playing at them. Like I rarely feel anything that comes from my core. I saw a friend last night, an old friend, who I've known for a few years, and she seemed genuinely delighted to see me. She actually ran up to me, smiling, hugging...and I was touched. I was of course happy to see her but I was also wondering when was the last time I was that delighted to see somebody? I mean really just thrilled?
I think overanalyzing emotions deadens them. Or maybe it's better to say that it distances someone from his emotions. You can't take them seriously anymore. They become the result of social conditions, or biological conditions, and you don't own them anymore. They don't--they can't--come from your heart, because you don't believe in such things anyway. Heart? Soul? What?
I wonder if it's possible to live a fulfilled life if you don't believe in something Higher than you, whether a Being, a Cause, a Purpose, an End. Maybe even if nothing is truly Highest, we all have to believe in something Higher. If we're going to be deeply happy, anyway.
Have you read Franney and Zooey? Oh, you should. A friend gave it to me, actually saying she'd thought I'd like it--does somebody really know me well enough to recommend something to me that I'd actually like? Apparently, yes, because I did like it. Franney discovers spirituality, it makes everything seem like bullshit, and she is sent home from college, distraught. Her brother, Zooey, talks with her about this, at first pushing that even the spirituality is bullshit, but then helping her to see that everyone's divine, really. There's more to it than this, and I should read it again, but the characters think and talk about a lot of the same things that have been on my mind for years, and this was written 50 years ago, you know...
...and I think that there are no answers, but you just have to choose a path with conviction. However, I think we live at a time where true conviction is hard to hold without a bit of delusion, because you know that you're just choosing it, but you have to delude yourself into thinking that you're not, so that it doesn't seem so arbitrary. But I would think that there are practical convictions we could all agree on, that don't rely on spiritual truths or grand visions of the world: people should have a chance to live fulfilling lives, and we should try to provide the conditions to make that possible, which means (fundamentally) that basic needs be met and (secondarily) that institutions be established (or modified) to cultivate fulfillment rather than obstruct its attainment. Simple as that. We disagree, of course, on what fulfillment means (I think this is the real problem), but are there conditions we can set up that would give everyone a chance to figure out what it means for themselves? I bet we could, but I also bet that to do this would require sweeping social change, and I am afraid that this kind of change is not possible anymore.
Remember when we crossed the campus
And you said it was too cold
But I insisted we keep walking
At least to that building
And you did
Well I have nearly forgotten
fly
I am in the Tampa airport, waiting for my flight to Chicago to leave. We should start boarding soon. I'm going to spend the day in Chicago (probably at a coffeeshop, trying to finish a paper that's due Tuesday) before going to a concert tonight. The concert seemed like a good idea two months ago when I bought the ticket, but now, I just feel like driving back to C-U after I get back to Chicago and sleeping. I'm a little tired and a little sick. But...I figure I'll have the paper done (or at least a draft done) by the end of the day, which would feel great.
It would be nice to spend a day not feeling tired the entire time. Maybe I need to start sleeping on a more regular pattern. Most nights this week, at home, I went to bed around 3 or 4 and woke up around 10 or 11, and while I did have some fun, I spent most of the daytime hours in a sort of daze, just wanting to nap.
I have decided not to move to Chicago next semester. This decision was largely the result of a couple of conversations I had at the conference last weekend. I'm going to try to save money this semester and this summer and then if I still feel the urge to leave, I'll try to move somewhere next year, when I'm writing my dissertation.
Whenever I come home, I feel like I'm just starting to enjoy myself and then I have to leave. It was wonderful to see everyone, but I wish I could've seen them more. I know things wouldn't be the same as they were before I left, but I think they'd be similar, if I could just spend more time with people.
Most people do not worry about the same sorts of things that I do. Sometimes I wish they did, so I wouldn't feel isolated on occasion, but they just don't. To be entirely honest, this leads me to dislike some people sometimes, because they seem sort of vacuous. But you know what? They're not. I've got more to say, but it looks like the plane is boarding, so it'll have to wait.
It would be nice to spend a day not feeling tired the entire time. Maybe I need to start sleeping on a more regular pattern. Most nights this week, at home, I went to bed around 3 or 4 and woke up around 10 or 11, and while I did have some fun, I spent most of the daytime hours in a sort of daze, just wanting to nap.
I have decided not to move to Chicago next semester. This decision was largely the result of a couple of conversations I had at the conference last weekend. I'm going to try to save money this semester and this summer and then if I still feel the urge to leave, I'll try to move somewhere next year, when I'm writing my dissertation.
Whenever I come home, I feel like I'm just starting to enjoy myself and then I have to leave. It was wonderful to see everyone, but I wish I could've seen them more. I know things wouldn't be the same as they were before I left, but I think they'd be similar, if I could just spend more time with people.
Most people do not worry about the same sorts of things that I do. Sometimes I wish they did, so I wouldn't feel isolated on occasion, but they just don't. To be entirely honest, this leads me to dislike some people sometimes, because they seem sort of vacuous. But you know what? They're not. I've got more to say, but it looks like the plane is boarding, so it'll have to wait.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
ringing
Many of the lessons of the past semester are ringing in my ears tonight.
I feel so removed from C-U right now. I can't believe I was just there yesterday.
I would like to feel that I have a firm hold on my life.
Had an inspiring talk with my cousin tonight at this wonderful coffeeshop/bar/lounge in Adam's Morgan in DC. The comfort of someone you have known for 26 years.
Why do you love what you love, who you love? Convenience? Are you pretending to love? Do you just want them to love you? Do you just feel like you should love those things? Let your heart out.
I hope we find our lives fulfilling most of the time. I hope we can remember what is important and somehow separate this from what we are constantly told is important and what we have been taught is important.
You can never know someone completely, but you might get close, if they let you. I am not sure why privacy, keeping things to yourself, is valued, unless it's to protect you, but then protect you from what? Why do we want to know some people so deeply and why do we not care about others at all?
Life is simpler than it seems, but it's not so simple to see that.
Art can capture truth if it's done right. Surround yourself with the right art and you can surround yourself with the truth.
How do you want to make your life significant? What would satisfy you?
You can control how you see the world.
I feel so removed from C-U right now. I can't believe I was just there yesterday.
I would like to feel that I have a firm hold on my life.
Had an inspiring talk with my cousin tonight at this wonderful coffeeshop/bar/lounge in Adam's Morgan in DC. The comfort of someone you have known for 26 years.
Why do you love what you love, who you love? Convenience? Are you pretending to love? Do you just want them to love you? Do you just feel like you should love those things? Let your heart out.
I hope we find our lives fulfilling most of the time. I hope we can remember what is important and somehow separate this from what we are constantly told is important and what we have been taught is important.
You can never know someone completely, but you might get close, if they let you. I am not sure why privacy, keeping things to yourself, is valued, unless it's to protect you, but then protect you from what? Why do we want to know some people so deeply and why do we not care about others at all?
Life is simpler than it seems, but it's not so simple to see that.
Art can capture truth if it's done right. Surround yourself with the right art and you can surround yourself with the truth.
How do you want to make your life significant? What would satisfy you?
You can control how you see the world.
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