Many of the lessons of the past semester are ringing in my ears tonight.
I feel so removed from C-U right now. I can't believe I was just there yesterday.
I would like to feel that I have a firm hold on my life.
Had an inspiring talk with my cousin tonight at this wonderful coffeeshop/bar/lounge in Adam's Morgan in DC. The comfort of someone you have known for 26 years.
Why do you love what you love, who you love? Convenience? Are you pretending to love? Do you just want them to love you? Do you just feel like you should love those things? Let your heart out.
I hope we find our lives fulfilling most of the time. I hope we can remember what is important and somehow separate this from what we are constantly told is important and what we have been taught is important.
You can never know someone completely, but you might get close, if they let you. I am not sure why privacy, keeping things to yourself, is valued, unless it's to protect you, but then protect you from what? Why do we want to know some people so deeply and why do we not care about others at all?
Life is simpler than it seems, but it's not so simple to see that.
Art can capture truth if it's done right. Surround yourself with the right art and you can surround yourself with the truth.
How do you want to make your life significant? What would satisfy you?
You can control how you see the world.
1 comment:
I just read all of your blogs from the last two months and perhaps understand a bit more why you've been so distant from me (and others, obviously). I almost feel bad for busting your nugs so much about not calling, but then I think, why should I feel bad about that? Had you called we could've had some great conversations and maybe worked through some of these things together, as much of what you described I've already been through. But I also know that I faced and wrestled those demons on my own terms, so it is best that you did that after all. You need to do that from time to time to really gain any sort of perspective, or at least one that you have created through your own autonomy and not at the suggestion of someone else. I'm proud of you for writing so much and it's my fault for not having read it in so long. I actually asked Mic for the address because I had lost it (and forgot to ask you when you came for pizza that night a couple of weeks ago). Bottom line is--just as I told you years ago (even though I didn't want my best friend to move away from me)--you have to go where your heart leads you, even if that means new experiences and places that you're not prepared to explore. Going "there" (in an abstract and/or concrete sense), even with trepidation, is the only way in which an individual will foster personal growth. Does the possibility for pain exist in this process? Certainly. But, so long as you contextualize it, place it into perspective like every other part of your life, and--most importantly--not compartmentalize those individual aspects and seek to incorporate them into one whole, I feel that your life will only become a long string of events that will enrich, nurture, whatever you as a person. I've got 5 years on you, brother, and you know that my advice (at least I hope) has helped. You need to focus on the most immediate, pressing demands, but they must be the ones that will help shape the big picture. Don't get too caught up with the incidentals of life...they'll work themselves out as you broaden your horizons and keep plugging away at what your heart tells you to do. I think that sometimes (especially after reading your blogs) you, as an aritsan of life, feel that you haven't been given enough clay to mold what you think your life should be like, or not enough paint to create the masterstroke on the canvas. I used to think that when I was your age. But, things change over time and, for me, the biggest change comes when you realize that life is rather more of an enormous, amorphous mass of rock and we are chizzling away one day at a time. Just as you mentioned, we are working toward something, but perhaps are unaware of what exactly that is. But that's the beauty of it--even if we think we've screwed up, we haven't. You just have to keep chizzling to find the deeper image, because, chances are, the one that you think you screwed up really wasn't what you were after in the first place. The fact of the matter is, you'll never know what you're trying to chizzle out of that rock. Sure, you may have some idea, some vision, but at best you can only realize it once it's complete. The moment when you can step back and think, that's it, that's what I meant to do.
But, if you're like me (and I think you are perhaps the person who is the most like me whom I've ever met), you'll never be satisfied.
And that's when you'll learn to revel in the process, not the product...
Hope that helps. Miss you being here.
- Ryan
P.S. - Stop using conjuctions after you use a semi-colon, it's driving me mad.
P.P.S. - I don't know if I have the right to say this or not, but if you're any indication of who your father was, I'm sorry that I never got to meet the man. That being said, I'd also say that he did a fine job of raising such a man as you, and that he'd be proud of you and all that you've accomplished so far...
Talk to you soon (and I'll be sure to check in more often).
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