heartbreak

I just had a fleeting encounter with beauty, just a few minutes ago. I was sitting on the futon in my apartment, responding to emails, trying to get caught up with correspondence, with my iPod playing the "Study Music" playlist I made a while ago. It's music that's either instrumental or soft--good background music for studying, I figure. I'd already been feeling a little bit nostalgic tonight, and then a song by Jose Gonzales started to play--I think it's called "Broken Arrow."

And instantly my heart broke.

I'm not sure if this happens to everyone, but certain songs have a way of just breaking me. The feeling is like one of nostalgia for love lost. A slight pain at remembering the good times, a deeper pain at knowing that things will never be the same, that you've lost something forever. It makes me want to be in love again, to find the right person, and go away with her to a place where nothing can drag us down and the days are filled with an exuberance that makes every moment feel truly lived. This sounds like fantasyland, I suppose, but I think it's possible, if you're willing to abandon society.

I described all of this as an encounter with beauty, which might seem odd, since I then said it felt as if I was heartbroken. But I think there's much beauty to be found in deep feeling. The kind of feeling that springs up from some source over which you have little control--it seems to come from somewhere deep inside of you. This, I think, is passion. It can express in many different forms, but passions launch from deep within and then take you over, moving you, driving you, calling you.

I sometimes feel as if I am on a bridge, with my beautiful youth on one side and my pragmatic adulthood on the other. I think I stepped on the bridge when I left Tampa and I wonder if the crossing will be complete when I leave Illinois. I hope not. I hope I can fold the bridge back in on itself--end up where I began, though changed somewhat from the crossing. I never want to lose the ability to feel passion--in fact, I want to cultivate it. I hope to have a beautiful, extraordinary life--at least I hope to have a life that seems beautiful and extraordinary to me. I want to feel truly alive.

I have had flashes of this feeling over the past couple of months, and it's getting more frequent. I've felt real exuberance, and though it doesn't persist--various things seem to cause it to fade--I think I'm expanding its presence in my life, with help from others. I want to be surrounded by people who also feel this way...I don't want to be too busy for the things that bring me joy...I don't want to waste too much time on the things that drag me down...

I'm not sure if this is delusional. If it sounds ridiculous. But I know it's the only way I can live.