infusion

This is my 90th post. 100 is right around the corner. We'll have to celebrate.

I'm in a wistful mood right now. It's partially the music I'm listening to (Wilco), the setting (I'm sitting in Kopi, a downtown coffeeshop, by the big front windows, watching the people of C-U head out for the night), and my thoughts (I'm missing my friends, as I watch these people who are out in groups of four or five, conversing over a beer, seeming to enjoy one another's company). As I'm sure I've written before, I've found individual people here with whom I feel that sort of comfort, that ease, but I have not found a group like that. This makes me wistful, though, rather than sad, probably because I've accepted it, just as I've come to accept much of who I am.

As I laid in bed last night, waiting for sleep to drift over me, I was thinking about what I'd written, and thought that perhaps it sounded a little bitter. Maybe it was. What's important for me, though, as I move into the summer, as I move into the rest of my life, is the realization that I need to be loved. I have no doubt about that. I'm not an independent person, in many ways. I thrive when I have supportive, loving friends around me. The few people I know here who I can call real friends ("tier one" friends, the deepest, closest, likely to be lifelong friends) have come to mean so much to me and have been (I think sometimes) the only positive aspect of being here. This environment just hasn't been good for me, but at least I've met a few wonderful people.

That's one realization: I need a loving, supportive community of friends to thrive. The other is that I already know plenty of loving, supportive people; but the majority of them are not here. They are in Tampa, Gainesville, Ft. Lauderdale, Tucson, New York, California, DC, Chicago, Madison, Texas, Arkansas, Australia...I have more than enough tier one friends in my life. Maybe too many--I can't keep up with everyone as well as I'd like. But, rather than get overwhelmed and give up, I need to try to keep up with everyone. An hour on the phone with friends every day or two will probably make the other hours of my day that much better. A letter sent, an email written--these kinds of things keep connections alive, help me remember that I've got the loving, supportive community of friends I want--I've had it all along--it's just spread out. This is not ideal. Not for me. I wish I had it here. But. I don't. I haven't put myself in situations to meet the kind of people that could form that community for me. But I suppose the one advantage is that it leaves me more time to maintain my connections with the friends that are spread out everywhere.

For the first time in many years, I'm questioning whether to become a professor when I leave here. I think if I wasn't so far into graduate school, I'd probably leave. As a whole, it's unsatisfying, though I've found pockets of satisfaction to keep me going. I'll finish, though...but then what? I want to teach, but I don't want to be a scholar in the standard sense. I want to work with people--I don't want most of my work to be solitary. I want to effect change--I want to contribute to something--I want to be able to stand back, look at my work, and see that I've produced (or helped to produce) something lasting. Perhaps just focusing on teaching would be best for me--try to get a job at a liberal arts college, maybe. Perhaps I should aim to found a charter school. Perhaps I should find a NGO that deals with interreligious dialogue, religious education, or peacemaking--perhaps I should start my own, try to get my friends involved. Perhaps I can do all of that. But I know that we have limited time. I have limited time. And the best I can do is try to live my life in fulfilling a way as possible, which (for me) means doing what I can to help others live their lives in fulfilling a way as possible. So I just need to find a way to feel that I am actively contributing to that goal, in any way, small or large. The specifics can sort of work themselves out, I think--it'll depend partially on opportunities that arise, people I meet. But I want a general destination.

I think it comes down to this:

I want a life that is infused with what I find lovely, that is infused with what I find beautiful.
Beautiful friendships.
Beautiful relationships.
Beautiful music, beautiful art, beautiful movies.
Beautiful ideas.
Beautiful emotions--hope, joy, bliss, love.

I've got this already, to a great extent. I have been able to surround myself with beautiful people, things, ideas. I am learning to cast away the not-so-beautiful. But my life--what I am doing with myself--has not yet fallen in line. I do not feel like I am DOING beautiful things, everyone. My actions are not yet beautiful. Grad school has not been beautiful for me...but maybe it will lead me to something beautiful, and I can finally lead a life that harmonizes with the beauty and love I see around me.