time for reflection

It has been over six months since I've written here. Maybe this is long enough where nobody's checking the blog anymore, and nobody will ever read this, but that's fine. I think I've always used this space (and similar spaces) more as a place to think through things for my own sake than as a place to broadcast my thoughts. That's not to say that I'm not interested in what my friends have to say about what I write here--otherwise I'd just write things out in a journal, or type them out in a text file. I wouldn't use a blog that I've told a number of people about.

Why am I writing now, then, after six months? I think I've been inspired by the fact that it's the end of the year, and this has always been a time when I (and others, I'm sure) have reflected on where things stand in my life. To be honest with you--to be honest with myself--I haven't had much cause to reflect over these past six months, probably because things have been going so well. Typically, I'm inspired to write when something is wrong, when there's some life issue I'm trying to work through. And I haven't had too many of these issues lately. Since the end of May, I've been in a relationship that is still going strong, so I haven't had the relationship concerns that used to plague me. From around mid-June to early August, I took a seven-week intensive Arabic course that covered the first year of college Arabic. I was in class 4-5 hours a day during the week, and then in the afternoon, for about 3-4 hours a day during the week, I'd have homework. Some nights, I'd have TA work for an online class. In mid-August, I came home for a week, and then the semester started up. By this time, I was set on a totally different schedule than I'd had before the end of May. Basically, during the week, I'd work during the day, have a few free hours to myself in the early evening (during which I'd sometimes workout, sometimes just sit around and relax, and always make dinner), and then I'd see my girlfriend at night. Saturdays, I'd spend with my girlfriend. And Sundays, I'd run errands, do laundry, and get some work done. With minor variation, this was my schedule for the fall semester. I almost never went out to the bars (which was almost all I did pre-June), I almost never stayed up really late, I almost never drank--and I loved it. I realized that, while the bars were fun in the moment, they weren't satisfying for me, and I think they ultimately made me feel worse, because I wouldn't sleep well and I'd wake up late, still tired, and I wouldn't feel with it all day. I'm far more satisfied with how things are set up now--I get work done during the day, I have time to myself, and I have time with my girlfriend--I seem to have all the elements in place that I need to be satisfied. It probably wouldn't satisfy everybody, but it works for me.

This has all come with some cost, of course, and at this time of reflection, I recognize that there are things I might change, largely dealing with the way I structure/prioritize my time. One cost: I really only hang out with my roommate and my girlfriend. I love my roommate and my girlfriend, and I enjoy spending time with them, of course. The cost is that I've drifted from some friends in Urbana and I rarely get on the phone with friends in other places. My schedule doesn't seem to allow for it--when would I call? This is something I need to work on.

I have come to understand that there are a limited number of hours every day, every week, every month, and I want to spend those hours balancing the elements of life that bring me (and not necessarily others) fulfillment. My balance seems to involve: keeping up with the news, teaching, conversation, time with friends, reading for fun, reading for work, writing for fun, writing for work, language work, exercise, movies, and time with my girlfriend. Is there time for all of these things, every day? No, I don't think so. I think there's time for most of it, however, but only if I compartmentalize my time well. If I'm going to work during the day, then I need to actually work during the day, leaving the evenings free for exercise/phone calls/etc.

At this point, I know what I need to do, though. I don't question my basic priorities and I don't question the things that bring me fulfillment. I have learned to avoid the inessential things that actively drag me down. I am quite content--as content as I could expect to be right now, I think. And my academic work is going well--last semester, I defended my general field exam, and finished my special field exam. This coming semester, I should be able to defend my dissertation proposal, meaning that I should be writing my dissertation sometime this coming semester, meaning that I should be able to finish a draft by the end of the summer or early in the fall. I'm on track, I think, to finish the PhD by May 09.

There are two questions that require reflection right now, though. First: What kind of job do I want? Second: What causes do I want to embrace? I have realized that part of what brings me contentment is participating in something that I feel is actively helping people. Some kind of project. Teaching brings me this feeling of helpfulness, to an extent, but I also think I need to figure out what issues are important to me, where I can start working for change. I am past the point where I feel I need to change the world, but I know that I need to feel that I am changing something--helping someone--to feel content. As for the first question, about the job, I do want to be a professor, because I want teaching to be part of my life, but I have recently been considering whether it would be beneficial to get some actual public school teaching experience first (many jobs prefer this, some require it) or to try to get a policy degree so that I'd be better suited to influence educational policy (technically, I'm in an educational policy studies department, but I haven't had to take a single policy class, and it strikes me that most of the policy-related work probably happens in educational organization and leadership--for administrators--or public policy programs).

I do think I'm on the right track, but I think I can make some decisions right now, about my dissertation, and about how I spend my non-dissertation time in the next couple of years, that could greatly affect what kind of positions I seem most qualified for.

I hope to write more in the next week or two.