These waves of panic keep washing over me.
They're more like explosions that start in my stomach and then radiate through my body, unsettling and unfocusing me so that I just want to run and hide from everything I have to do because I feel like there's no way I can finish everything and make all the decisions I have to make at the same time.
But then the explosion radiates out of me, and things settle and refocus a bit, and I realize that of course I can't finish everything, not tonight, not in a week, not in two; but I've got far more time than this. I'm not sure where I got the idea that I have to finish everything and make all my decisions immediately. This makes everything seem much more urgent (and panic-inducing) than it really is.
The best thing I could do for myself right now is to limit my "time wasting" and just get more done. The only way I'll feel better about things is if I start to finish some things--if I'm at least working towards finishing some things. Granted, some of what I have to finish (like grading 90 papers) I just don't want to do; but I have to. But if I get caught up in the panic, I won't get anything done, and this'll just make the panic worse. But I'll feel better if I get 8 papers done today, and have 82 to do tomorrow instead of 90. It's not finishing, but I'd be better off than I am right now. Most of the things I have to do right now are long-term projects, and I've got to start seeing them that way.
These kids just came into Krannert, don't know from where, they seem to be guided by some college students and at least one adult...one of the younger ones turned and stared at me for a few moments as he was walking through the lobby, I saw him pointing as he was talking to his friend, and then he gave me a quick wave. I waved back. Sometimes the smallest things like this are enough to take you out of your head and put your problems, such as they are, in perspective. I'm going to have to start hiring kids to walk by me and wave every 30 minutes or so.
We are all always works in progress and we will never be complete.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I'm for hire! However much I feel we are going through similar experiences, it appears you have found a way through that I have yet to discover for myself.
AJ
Post a Comment