He often felt that his life was full of excellent plans that he was never able to bring to fruition. It was as if he consistently knew what he had to do to be content, but didn't have the courage to do what it would take, because it would mean re-organizing his life in certain ways that he couldn't make himself embrace. It might have had something to do with the people in his life. He'd seemingly do anything, even if he wasn't particularly interested, if it meant he wouldn't have to be alone. If he liked somebody, that person could sway him with ease simply by stating his (or her) preference. He might not be deeply interested in doing X, but he'd do X if one of his friends wanted to. If he had multiple options, he'd choose based on who he liked more at the moment, and not necessarily on what he thought about the options or what might be best for him at the time. But what were his preferences? What did he deeply value? What did he want to do? At times, he would ask himself these questions, and he had a difficult time coming up with the answers.
Of course, the fact that he tended to be unobjectionable gave him a reputation as an easygoing individual. He was fairly well-liked, tended not to offend people...
He did seem to enjoy coversation. At least, this is what he would tell people: one of his favorite things to do, he'd say, was just to hang out, and talk. Go to a coffeeshop, a bar, and just talk. But what would he talk about, exactly? What would he say to his friends? Occasionally, there'd be what felt like a meaningful conversation, a sharing of ideas, of dreams, of hopes, of values. But sometimes he felt that he was just rambling to people about his ideas, dreams, hopes, and values, getting so excited about changing the world about making a difference but then...was it all talk? Did he ever actually do anything about it? He wondered, then, if conversations--if much of his life--was really just a way to pass the time, postponing a moment of action in favor of passionate but hollow talk.
But what was keeping him from doing what he really wanted to do? Was it a lack of clarity on what he wanted? Maybe. But he tended to think it was really a lack of focus, which bred a sort of laziness. Yes, that's it, he had to admit when it came right down to it: he was lazy and unfocused. And there's a lack of willpower somewhere in there, too, he knew. He just could not work up the motivation to do the kinds of things that he knew would make his life feel meaningful to himself. This may have been because of certain habits that were ingrained in him that were counter to his happiness. He had been able to coast along, to get by, on these habits for quite some time now. He'd even done better than coasting! But he felt the time coming when he would not be able to coast anymore. When this wouldn't work. True happiness would require focus and will, because he wouldn't be happy with the things that would ultimately come from just coasting.
He needed to feel like his life counted for something. He needed to be doing something with his life that mattered to him, generally. He needed to feel driven, and though he could feel driven in very short bursts, it often wasn't there.
Sometimes it didn't seem to matter so much. Other times it did. But he knew this: he did not want his life to feel like it was drifting by, with him watching the hours pass, without holding on to anything. He needed to live his life and not watch his life being lived.
2 comments:
I don't know if this posted the first time, so I'm going to re-post it (plus I didn't realize there were some entries I hadn't read):
Original comment below:
I just read all of your blogs from the last two months and perhaps understand a bit more why you've been so distant from me (and others, obviously). I almost feel bad for busting your nugs so much about not calling, but then I think, why should I feel bad about that? Had you called we could've had some great conversations and maybe worked through some of these things together, as much of what you described I've already been through. But I also know that I faced and wrestled those demons on my own terms, so it is best that you did that after all. You need to do that from time to time to really gain any sort of perspective, or at least one that you have created through your own autonomy and not at the suggestion of someone else. I'm proud of you for writing so much and it's my fault for not having read it in so long. I actually asked Mic for the address because I had lost it (and forgot to ask you when you came for pizza that night a couple of weeks ago). Bottom line is--just as I told you years ago (even though I didn't want my best friend to move away from me)--you have to go where your heart leads you, even if that means new experiences and places that you're not prepared to explore. Going "there" (in an abstract and/or concrete sense), even with trepidation, is the only way in which an individual will foster personal growth. Does the possibility for pain exist in this process? Certainly. But, so long as you contextualize it, place it into perspective like every other part of your life, and--most importantly--not compartmentalize those individual aspects and seek to incorporate them into one whole, I feel that your life will only become a long string of events that will enrich, nurture, whatever you as a person. I've got 5 years on you, brother, and you know that my advice (at least I hope) has helped. You need to focus on the most immediate, pressing demands, but they must be the ones that will help shape the big picture. Don't get too caught up with the incidentals of life...they'll work themselves out as you broaden your horizons and keep plugging away at what your heart tells you to do. I think that sometimes (especially after reading your blogs) you, as an aritsan of life, feel that you haven't been given enough clay to mold what you think your life should be like, or not enough paint to create the masterstroke on the canvas. I used to think that when I was your age. But, things change over time and, for me, the biggest change comes when you realize that life is rather more of an enormous, amorphous mass of rock and we are chizzling away one day at a time. Just as you mentioned, we are working toward something, but perhaps are unaware of what exactly that is. But that's the beauty of it--even if we think we've screwed up, we haven't. You just have to keep chizzling to find the deeper image, because, chances are, the one that you think you screwed up really wasn't what you were after in the first place. The fact of the matter is, you'll never know what you're trying to chizzle out of that rock. Sure, you may have some idea, some vision, but at best you can only realize it once it's complete. The moment when you can step back and think, that's it, that's what I meant to do.
But, if you're like me (and I think you are perhaps the person who is the most like me whom I've ever met), you'll never be satisfied.
And that's when you'll learn to revel in the process, not the product...
Hope that helps. Miss you being here.
- Ryan
P.S. - Stop using conjuctions after you use a semi-colon, it's driving me mad.
P.P.S. - I don't know if I have the right to say this or not, but if you're any indication of who your father was, I'm sorry that I never got to meet the man. That being said, I'd also say that he did a fine job of raising such a man as you, and that he'd be proud of you and all that you've accomplished so far...
P.P.P.S. - When you talked about "true love" (the glow with occasional sparks), you meant me. Stop denying it.
Talk to you soon (and I'll be sure to check in more often).
I like this. We all feel this way. We are joined in our despair.
I'll drink to that!
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