I've now been back in C-U for a week-and-a-half. I have been trying to hold on to the inspiration I felt over break, but it has been difficult.
I think it is time to do something drastic, in at least a couple of different areas of my life. I can feel that certain aspects of my life, certain elements of my life, have become barriers, erected largely out of habit, that are keeping me from reaching a more fulfilling place that lies on the other side.
I know I would be happier (more content might be more accurate) if I could just do some things differently, but it is hard to give certain things up. I think of Jesus, who asks the fishermen to leave behind their nets and follow him. To drop everything--their jobs, their families--immediately, and start a new life. Of course this is a difficult thing to do, but if the fishermen really believe that Jesus has the answers to some of the deepest questions of life--if Jesus' teachings can offer a better life--then the difficulty must be faced and overcome.
Now, I'm not saying I'm becoming Christian or anything, but I am saying that sometimes doing what is best--what you know is right (for you)--requires making hard decisions. Changing habits, altering relationships, switching career paths. I do think that it is possible to live a life that is driven forward by something that seems to be outside of you--to live a life that is so rich because you feel a calling, you feel that your life has a deeper layer of meaning. But to have your life match up with your values requires real effort, I think, because we are not always good at making decisions that line up with what we really want (thanks to societal pressures telling us what we should want, for instance).
So why am I doing certain things? Am I doing them because they emerge out of my deepest being or am I doing them "just because"? I don't think "just because" is a good enough reason. Or, rather, if you're doing things "just because," then the meaning of your life is going to be "just because." And I don't think this is the way to a very fulfilling life.
I will write more about these 'drastic changes' I've cryptically alluded to later, especially as I become surer about them--as I can become surer that they're not just momentary whims, "just because," but rather express something deep for me.
4 comments:
Score one for my man Jesus. :)
But seriously, I like this post. I feel the same way quite often.
I know this is silly, but I think about this regarding my TV. I love TV, especially watching my Cubbies and Illini and I Love New York. But maybe if I just threw my TV out, I would do so much more meaningful stuff. Maybe not.
But either way, it seems unbelievably hard to me to even think about giving my TV up. Now imagine giving up your job and your parents to follow a poor, unofficial rabbi. Wow.
I think we tend to think in the "big" too often, and overwhelm ourselves with the rigor and enormity of the job. What about giving ourselves a break and thinking in the "small" a bit? Doing something meaningful doesn't have to mean doing something monumentous, does it? "Meaningful" doesn't mean that it has to fill our lives and overcome us, does it? Doing something meaningful can mean finding something small to do that means something special to someone else. Make something for someone. Take someone to lunch. Tell someone they brighten your day. (Tell that girl with the purple crocs that she made you smile!) Tell someone Thank You. Finding meaning doesn't always have to mean finding meaning in our own actions, but it could mean giving meaning to a small action or thought or statement.
How about we forgo "finding meaning," and we aim for "giving meaning?"
How's that for a platitude? :)
You think too much. That's what it boils down to...Trust me, I know. Keep your head up :-)
Is this your way of coming out of the closet?
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