First Step

This is the kind of day that makes me miss Florida, that makes me miss contentment. I have so much work to do, but I want to sit here, near the OAR fountain at the corner of Lincoln and Illinois, and self-express. I feel a sort of deep sadness. A sadness where I want to weep from such a depth of being that the sobs feel like they're tearing me apart. Like they're breaking something apart inside of me.

This is a bit much--I recognize that. I think the sadness is more of a mourning, a feeling of loss. Some possibilities have disappeared lately, which is hard for me to deal with; but of course the closing of some possibilities means that others open. It's not as if all good possibilities are ever entirely stifled. There are simply too many options out there--too much unpredictability.

So I can catch myself and put my feelings into perspective and realize that I am being dramatic, maudlin--that things are fine. Because the truth is that nothing is wrong, especially on a day like today--even the weather is nice! But it's almost as if I constantly need to be surrounded by people to feel loved and content, and if I don't have that or if I don't feel that I'm extra-special to somebody, then I start to feel empty.

This is a feeling that rears its head every so often. And it'll go away. What frustrates me is that I don't seem to have any control over it. It comes and goes as it pleases, and I can't figure out what triggers it, or what cures it. Of course, a lot of people feel like this sometimes, but I don't want to accept it. I want to fight it.

Time has passed. I'm in the Espresso Royale in Urbana right now, listening to Dylan's New Morning, chatting online with S., and preparing to study for my midterm tomorrow. My mood is definitely clearing up--it's like the clouds parting. Maybe my mood really does vary with the weather, which seems a bit ridiculous. I should be slightly stronger than that.

I think a big part of the problem is that I get lonely from time to time--I don't feel
passionately enough about anything in particular to feel independently fulfilled, so I look to my friends to provide fulfillment, which they can't all the time in the way that I need. I think I do feel self-enacted (i.e., most alive, fulfilled, most authentically myself) in relationships that are characterized by a certain ease, but this has to be a supplemental source, since I can't have it all the time. It also keeps me looking for people as potential relationship partners, which keeps me from engaging them fully as people, because there's something ulterior going on.

But I know--I know--that when I do find a romantic relationship that could be self-enacting, it will just work, without there having to be any talk or dropped hints. If I have to agonize about it, then it's no good, not as a relationship, anyway. Something is good for what it is, not what it might be (because you never know what it might be, really, since unpredictable human emotions are involved). This is plainly obvious to me, most of the time, but if I stop feeling independently fulfilled for even a little bit, then I start to lean heavily on my relationships, which is ultimately going to be disappointing. It's fine to lean on friends, of course, but not as a sole source of fulfillment. As I said, relationships are supplemental, ideally, for me.

So here's the thing: what is it exactly that I can do that brings an experience of self-enactment? Of fulfillment? What are my centers of self-enactment? I must know at this point in my life; but can I commit myself to them even if there are obstacles in the way? Even if they're not easy?

So how do you find these centers? Well, you look for the actions that have brought a feeling of authenticity, of coming aliveness, in the past.

So where have I felt self-enacted? When? When have I lost myself?

In certain conversations with my dearest friends.
In intimate moments with loved ones.
In a group of people about whom I care about deeply, regardless of what we're doing.
In completing a paper that I feel is well-written and meaningful.
In listening to certain songs, going to certain concerts.
In watching certain movies.
In looking at certain pieces of art.
In moments with nature--sitting at the amphitheatre at the performing arts center, leaning back, feeling the sun and breeze on skin.
In working out my own meaning, in thinking about how to help others work out theirs.
In exploring, traveling, seeing the New.

This is a list I need to add to and revisit from time to time. And I should think about actions that might bring self-enactment, actions that I've yet to engage in.

And maybe I need to ask those who know me. When have they seen me feel most alive? Advice welcome.