re-organizing

I got done with my midterm about an hour ago and I think I did just fine. I suppose you never know until you get the grade, of course, but I feel pretty happy with it. I felt like I had something interesting to say in response to each question, and I felt like I knew just what I was talking about. I am "getting" this material in a way that I haven't felt in some time, probably since I was studying cognitive psychology and neuropsychology at CMU. I think it might mean something bigger for my life, but I'll have to wait it out for a few days, weeks, maybe months, to know for sure.

It is making me reconsider my tentative decision to study at Harvard next semester. I certainly don't think it would harm me in any way to study there, but I'm wondering now if it's really the best place for me. I'm feeling that I need to be honest with myself about a lot of things, including what I really want to study.

I had a long conversation with my mom today after my midterm--40 minutes--and I was talking to her about what I'm becoming interested in now. I think I've known for a little while what kinds of things I should be pursuing, but I have not really thrown myself into those things, which I think is part of the reason why relatively minor events can trigger this sort of deep sadness (this sense of off-kilterness, of being thrown off, of having the rug pulled out from under me) that I felt these past 24 hours; and still feel now to some extent, though it's not nearly as bad: more a pit in the stomach than a loss of all meaning.

So how did I explain things to my mom? I told her that I have come to realize in these past few months (it has just sort of hit me) that my major concern throughout my studies has been the question of how people come to live lives that they find meaningful. I studied cognitive psychology because (in part) there obviously must be cognitive processes involved in how people construct their meanings; I studied religion because the religions are clearly the major ways that people have found meaning throughout history (and today, I think); and I'm studying education because of the chance it offers to work with students on developing philosophies of life (in a variety of ways). In seeing this common theme emerge from my work, I've come to believe that what I really truly want to work on is meaning-making in public education. I think world religions education can be part of this process (I think students should learn about both religious and non-religious ways of looking at the world), but I think the overall process that I'm interested in is how education can serve the human drive (and I'd say it's a universal human drive that everyone fulfills differently, based on biology, culture, environment) to be fulfilled, to feel their selves come alive, finding harmony and exuberance in performing certain actions/occupations/activities. Too often, I think that education (especially American public education) does not allow children to explore a range of possibilities of fulfillment--I think that to find the things that make us come alive we need to try a lot of different things, see what works, so to speak. I think education could greatly foster this process, giving us access to avenues of possibility that we will not be exposed to in our 'everyday' lives; but I think that too often it does not. On the contrary, it seems to foster an ignorance of fulfillment, emphasizing instead the need to learn skills so students can find jobs to make money, whether those skills/jobs are fulfilling in a deep way or not.

This is important, I think, on an individual level (I think people could generally be far more fulfilled than they are), on a social level (I think a society of more fulfilled people could be more just), and on a personal level (studying these issues makes ME feel fulfilled).

I certainly don't expect that changing the educational system would lead to all people feeling fulfilled every second of every day, and I do recognize that a concern with fulfillment is a luxury that comes only after concerns for adequate food, clothing, and shelter have been met; but I do think that many people could be more fulfilled--more deeply happy, more content, more exuberant, more authentic--than they are, and I think that people who are more fulfilled would be more likely to want to live in a society where the basic needs are met (so that more people would have the possibility of being concerned about fulfillment).

And I'm rethinking Harvard because it may not be the best place for me to study these things. I need to make more decisions based on the things that make me feel fulfilled rather than the things that I think should make me feel fulfilled, even though they can't.