romance

Today has been a long day. I have a midterm tomorrow for a class that I'm really enjoying and I think is changing my life. I'm nervous about forgetting the information I need to know or losing the ability to express myself, especially since I haven't actually sat for an exam in quite some time. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks to those who read and commented or read and sent emails (or just read) for the support today. I think my mood is still partly cloudy, but there should be clear skies ahead in the next day or two. I still can't be entirely sure what happened to me this past weekend into today, but today I was definitely as low as I've ever been in recent memory (the last time I remember feeling what I felt today was in April, in San Francisco).

Sometimes I think that my idealism is a double-edged sword. I really do try to find fulfillment in many aspects of life, and I think that this gives my life a richness (for me) that I wouldn't otherwise have. However, because I try to find fulfillment everywhere, this means that I try to find fulfillment in places where it's unobtainable for some reason. I have a history (and those who know me already know this, I think) of doing this in relationships more than anywhere else. I tend not to do it with my friends, perhaps because my ideals for friendship are more in line with what the people that become my friends can give; but in romantic relationships, or in potential romantic relationships, I always expect way too much. I've done this for years, and it's tended to lead to one of two outcomes: (1) I pin romance on a relationship where the romance actually isn't there and I end up deluding myself and feeling hurt, feeling like I've lost something--even if nothing was ever actually there. (2) I enter into a romantic relationship with these enormous expectations and of course the relationship cannot sustain those, partially because I idealize the person who I'm in the relationship with (and the idealization falls apart within a few months) and partially because no relationship could really match what I have in mind.

So, because I want some ideal romantic relationship so badly, I either force romance into friendship situations (which stunts their natural development until such a time as I can just get over it) OR I force romance with people who I really don't know well enough to determine whether we'd actually work in a relationship. I imagine I won't find a working romantic relationship until I'm willing to let the romance develop naturally, perhaps out of a friendship, perhaps out of a dating situation. But my tendency is to force it, to move too fast, and this really can't work, though I've been lucky enough to recover some genuine friendships out of these situations.

What will help me here, I think, is to be sure that I'm directing my energy more fully into my work and into my friendships, which I think will keep the romantic energy more controlled, allowing it to emerge naturally, incrementally, rather than in an intense burst that can't be sustained.

I feel much better now, and normally when I feel better, I don't have as much to write about. But I think this time I'm going to try to continue to write down my thoughts here, in part because I'm interested to hear what you think and in part because I'd like to gain more insight on my thoughts in more contented times as opposed to just the times when I'm upset or doubtful or confused.