I devalue my own life. I always want to be living others' lives. I think that others are better than me and I feel like I have somehow screwed up or I could be as good as them. I'm not saying this to get sympathy, and I know it's not even really true, but this is how I feel sometimes.
I've been on antidepressants for the past week and a half, and while I can't be sure that it's the medicine making the difference, I've certainly felt better. I haven't been needlessly worrying as much, and I haven't been making myself feel guilty about not doing X or not being Y enough. I feel like they've brought me to the point where I can think clearly about other things besides my "problems" for once.
That all being said, I still don't feel quite right about things. I would like to be satisfied--really satisfied--with who I am and what I'm doing. Not complacent, just satisfied, at least to the point where I'm not always thinking I should be thinking and acting differently, comparing myself to others. I want my life to flow--right now I may actually have too much flexibility, and I feel adrift, directionless.
Stay hungry.
1 comment:
I'm completely opposed to you here: I NEVER want someone else's, or just a different, life, not even in passing moments. I'm in no way claiming personal perfection or knowledge of my path ahead, but I figure I've been working on this life shit for 25 years now, in this body and mind, I'm finally getting used to it, so changing places would only fuck me up (which would become problematic for those around me). I'm not completely happy or satisfied with anything, but, you know, I don't want to be. As satisfied, what do you do with yourself? Saisfation begets uselessness and resentment from others--people would hate you for being so satisfied..
Post a Comment