see what works

My emotional chaos is settling, slowly but surely, and I feel like I'm ready to re-enter the stream of life, though with a slightly different orientation.

Or maybe it's a very different orientation.

What I've learned this past week--or what has stuck with me this past week, since I might've known this before--is that I have to be honest with myself (and with others) about what I want out of situations and out of life, and then I have to try to reorganize my situations and my life around those wants. This probably sounds selfish, though I think that my particular wants involve helping others, spending time with others--they involve other people. I think that, if I am honest with myself and others, I will be able to avoid the kinds of situations that make me unhappy illegitimately (I think some situations bring unhappiness legitimately, like death of a loved one) and check myself when I find myself starting to do things or think things that lead down a road that I know will end in a bad place. I may be able to break some bad habits, especially in relationships, that I've had for a while.

Another fact of my life: emotions are often out of my control. I can rationalize as much as I want, but this can't stop gut reactions and reflexive emotions to certain events. I think these kinds of things only fade with time. That being said, I can't let those emotions control me or distract me or disconnect me. Sometimes I have to throw myself into situations where I'm going to have some negative emotional response and just deal with it.

I honestly believe I became much more self-aware this past week, seeing layers of myself that I often gloss over. I've figured a lot of things out, and now it's time to move ahead and try out some new ways of living to see what works.